AS THE CLUBHOUSE TURNS

markinsacmarkinsac Member
edited August 2012 in Community & Creativity
In our last episode, after finding out Zenyatta dropped Bernie's baby, Rachel quickly went to Bernie to "Thank" him. Our story continues . . .

RACHEL (on her horse phone): Um Bernie, you know that day I congratulated you when Zenny had her baby, well now I'm going to have your baby!

BERNIE: (on horse phone): Rachel, quit foaling around! I used protection!

RACHEL: Well it looks like the protection was thinner than Zenny's Horse of the Year title!

BERNIE: My goodness, what am I going to do? I don't want to lose Zenyatta! She's worth millions!

RACHEL: This is what you should do, put yours and Zeny's baby up for adoption. I heard she's an unfit mother.

BERNIE: Why do you say she's unfit?

RACHEL: Just look at her, ever since she's had your baby, her figure is wider than the Santa Anita infield!

BERNIE: I don't know what to do . . .

RACHEL: Look, you don't want to keep that baby, his mom ran on polytrack, to go along with her poligrip. She's an old nag!

BERNIE: Rachel, why do you have to always try to be better than Zenny. I like her because she's honest.

RACHEL: What would you rather have honesty? Or me?

BERNIE: Can I get back to you on that?

RACHEL: Go ahead, think it over, but remember, the old nag won the Vanity, I, Bernie, won the Fantasy (sexy horse laugh)


Tune in next time for another edition of AS THE CLUBHOUSE TURNS
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Comments

  • Thats very creative lol :) little soap opera for horse lovers xD
  • Good grief, hysterical!!! What an imagination. :)
  • Awesome!!!! Love your stuff. I've been reading your diary and think all your writings are so great. Keep it up!
  • Just wait till Rachel finds out about all the other "nags" he's been baggin'. That boys got kids in every port.
  • THE STORY CONTINUES . . .

    RACHEL: (to herself) Ive got to figure a way to get Bernie. He's not too smart, and not the greatest mate. I just don't want Zenyatta to have him. I know, I've got a plan . . .

    RACHEL: (on horse phone) Um Bernie, I know of this hoof reader. She predicted I'd win the Horse of the Year title back in '09. She's really good. Maybe she can tell you what will happen to yours and Zens baby.

    BERNIE: How good is she?

    RACHEL: She claims her predictions are better than Andy Beyer's. And have you ever heard Andy Beyer admit he was wrong?

    BERNIE: Well, no. OK, I'll give it a try. But I'm telling you Rachel, I think me and Zen's baby might take the Kentucky Derby. What's this hoof reader's name?

    RACHEL: Um, Madame Raquel. Meet her at . . .

    (Rachel puts on blinkers to disguise herself)

    RACHEL: Zenny, it's going to be a pleasure to take away your man (horse laugh)

    BERNIE: Hello, Madame Raquel, me and Zenyatta here want to know the furure of our baby.

    ZENYATTA (whispering to Bernie) Do you think she's any good?

    BERNIE: She claims her predictions are better than Andy Beyer's. And have you ever heard Andy Beyer admit he's wrong?

    ZENYATTA: Um, no, I guess.

    BERNIE: Tell me Madame Raquel, what's in store for our baby.

    MADAME RAQUEL: (holding Bernie's hoof) I see paradise.

    BERNIE: Paradise?! What else do you see?

    MADAME RAQUEL: I see palm trees, I see warmth!

    BERNIE: Really, paradise, palm trees and wamth! Our baby's racing at Gulfstream!

    MADAME RAQUEL: No, that's not the kind of paradise I see.

    BERNIE: Well then, what kind of Paradise do you see?

    MADAME RAQUEL: I see Turf Paradise.

    BERNIE: (shocked) Whaaaaat? Oh no, my boy's not racing at Turf Paradise. That will ruin my stud value. Zenny, dear, we need to talk about putting him up for adoption. And I need to remove my name off his pedigree . . .

    To be continued . . .

  • The story continues . . .

    ZENYATTA: I can't do it, I just can't do it Bernie, I love him!

    BERNIE: (his horse phone ringing) Hello?

    RACHEL: Bernie, how did it go?

    BERNIE: Madame Raquel says Bernie Jr. will end up at Turf Paradise. But Zenyatta doesn't want to put him up for adoption.

    RACHEL: Why don't you and that poor thing stop at my stall, maybe I can talk some sense into that old bitty.

    (Later at Rachel's stall)

    RACHEL: Look Zenny dear, I know you're attached to Bernie Jr. but you got to think of Bernie too. He's got a whole career ahead of him, you could cost him millions of dollars if his stud fee goes down do to that child of yours. Look ill-bred foals make great pets at the petting zoo. At least there's a good chance he would be able to run faster than a sloth . . . maybe . . .Look, you are distraught, I'll do you and Bernie a favor. I'll take him down to the adoption agency for you.

    (A sad Zenyatta notices something at the bottom of Rachel's stall. It's those same blinkers Madame Raquel was wearing!)

    ZENYATTA: Umm, I'll tell you what . . . (Zenyatta walks over to the computer and checks something), Bernie, Rachel, let me spend the rest of the afternoon with my son, then at 7:30 this evening, Rachel you meet me and Bernie at 13752 Blue Grass Parkway, just down the street from here. At that time, I"ll hand you Bernie Jr. But if you aren't there by 7:30 sharp, I'm keeping him. Deal?

    RACHEL: Um, yesss! Deal!!! (Rachel and Zenyatta high hoof)

    (later that evening)

    ZENYATTA: Well Bernie, I don't see or hear Rachel. In fact the only thing I hear is crickets.

    BERNIE: Well boy, it looks like you're staying with us, I'm starting to like you. Mom and I will teach you how to run . . . and Zenny dear, you acted nervous at all. You seemed to know Rachel wouldn't show. Zenny, what did you do?

    ZENYATTA: Well, I looked at a map on the computer. 13752 Blue Grass Parkway is excatly a mile and a quarter from Rachel's stall. We all know Rachel can't get a mile and a quarter . . .



  • MargaretMargaret Member
    edited March 2012
    ROFLOL! Ouch I fell outta my chair! Poor RA! She really needs to hang with Z to learn her dance moves.

    On one visit to Z Steve took me to her stall. The horse next door to her had learn how to paw for carrots--same as Z! And he pawed with his right fore!

    I want more of this very funny story!
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • Love this story I laughed at Rachel can't get a mile and a quarter.
  • Dear markinsac:

    Laughing out loud. Too cute. Hugs, JB
  • YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ . . .

    RACHEL: Zen, darling, what's all this?

    ZENYATTA: Oh that's my scrapbook. Pretty thick, wouldn't you say?

    RACHEL: Jajajaja, (looking at the National Inquiry clippings) "Zenyatta denies Lady's Secret Field". . . "Zenyatta swallows up Santa Margarita Opponents" . . . "Zenyatta
    Smokes Weak Rivals at Hollywood Park"

    RACHEL: (talking to herself) Zenny dear, you just gave me an idea . . .

    (later)

    RACHEL: Bernie, I've got some bad news. Now I can prove Zenny is an unfit mother. Just look at these headlines from the National Inquiry . . .

    BERNIE: "Zenyatta Denies Secret" . . ."Zenyatta Swallows Margarita" . . ."Zenyatta Smokes Weed At Hollywood Party" . . . Oh, no, what do you think?

    RACHEL: I think she's a lush from la-la land. Do you want your kid to be raised by that Hollywood has-been?

    (later)

    BERNIE: Zenyatta! Look at these National Inquiry headlines! You have a lot of explaining to do . . .
    (Bernie throws down the clippings, turns around and storms out the stable gate) , , ,

    ZENYATTA: Oh no! These headlines have been altered . . . . RACHEL!

    (then Zenyatta notices on the back side of one of the clippings is a story about rachel . . .she's running down the Pimlico backstretch)

    ZENYATTA: Hmm, the headline says, "Rachel gets her Preakness. Only filly to do so!"

    ZENYATTA: (on horse phone) Bernie, why don't you meet me over at Rachel's stall, I can explain eveything . . .

    (later at Rachel's stall . . .)

    BERNIE: You know Zenyatta, I've been thinking, you were a celebrity and, after all, it's the National Inquiry, they've been known to stretch the truth . . .

    RACHEL: Bernie, I happen to believe the National Inquiry. I buy it every time I go to the feed store! The truth hurts, doesn't it Zenny . . .

    ZENYATTA; Well Raitch, if you think it's all true, then explain this cliping I found of you . . .do you recognize this picture?

    RACHEL: Yeah, it's a picture of me running down the Pimlico backstretch . . .

    ZENYATTA; Actually, if you look real closely, you're not running down the Pimlico backstretch, you're actually running on top of the porto-potties in the Pimlico Infield. And Bernie, look at the headline . . .

    BERNIE: "Rachel Gets Her Preak On!" . . . Rachel!!!!!!!

    (Rachel, with that soap opera stare as the camera fades into a commercial . . .)

  • I love a good soap! Very funny.
  • Love the porto-potty reference!
  • More, more!!!!!
  • TIME TO GET HITCHED?

    RACEL: Um Tasty, Darling, where are Bernie and Zenny going?

    TASTY: Bernie is taking her to the veternarian's office for a check-up. Im babysitting.

    RACHEL: I see . . . they trust you ha . . .

    TASTY: (worried) Well, yes

    RACHEL: When you told them you were bred in Kentucky and raced in New York, were you telling them the truth?

    TASTY: Um, yeah, New York is one of the finest racing circuits. In fact I raced in New York City . . .

    RACHEL: (horse laugh) Oh Tasty, you can fool them, but you can't fool me!

    TASTY: I don't know what you are getting at Rachel . . .

    RACHEL: I know about you're past performances, Tas-tee!

    TASTY: Whaaaaaaat?

    RACHEL: You did race in New York City, one time, in February, on the inner track! Then you got shipped to Finger Lakes, where the nags race!

    TASTY: OHHHH! Where did you find out about my past performances?

    RACHEL: When you told them you didn't have any money because you had your purse snatched, you lied. The truth is you got disqualified for unruly behavior during a maiden claiming race, and the reason was the previous night you were in a cheap horsetel with a bottle of lasix and having a trifecta with two low-life studs that should have been gelded.

    TASTY: OHHHH! Rachel, that was back when I was a young filly. I'm a mare now, I've changed my ways . . .

    RACHEL: Once a maiden-claimer, always a maiden-claimer. They always go back to were they came from. Furthermore, I found out that you weren't bred in Kentucky, your mother was a cheap maiden at Suffolk, and your dad was a worn out claimer racing on the Massachusettes fair circuit. One week Northampton Fair, then to Marshfield Fair, then to Great Barrington Fair . . . . you Tasty dear are horse trailer trash! I even know about your fetish, you love getting whipped!

    TASTY: OHHHH! (defeated) what do you want Rachel?

    RACHEL: You are going to go have a talk with Bernie and convince him to hitch up with me. I'm tired with sharing him with Zenyatta!

    TASTY: Me and Zenyatta have developed a good friendship, I can't do that to her!

    RACHEL: You will or I'll spill the beans to them and the National Inquiry!

    TASTY: Rachel, you may have ran in all those fancy-smansy stakes races, but Rachel, you have no class!

    RACHEL: (angry) OHH! My bloodlines run through Secretariat, Man O' War and that horse Geroge Washington rode in the Revolutionary war . . . (Rachel lifts up her hoof and slaps Tasty) . . . Im a Preakness winner and Horse of the Year for 2009. You can call me anything in the world, but don't ever say I have no class!

    TASTY: (crying) OK, I'll do it. I'm sorry Zenyatta! . . .

    (later)

    TASTY: Um, Bernie, can I talk to you . . .

    BERNIE: Sure Taste, what's going on?

    TASTY: Um, Bernie, it's the year 2012, most stallions are starting to stick to one mare these days. Playing the field is so old fashion. I think it's time you settle down and get hitched . . .

    BERNIE: Oh Tasty, you want me to get hitched with Zenyatta? What a good friend you are!

    TASTY: Um, no, I think you should get hitched with Rachel . . .

    BERNIE: Whaaat? I thought you were Zenny's best friend . . .

    TASTY: Bernie, I have a confession to make, I'm not who I said I was, I had a hard foalhood, and actually don't belong here in Kentucky (crying) . . .

    BERNIE: Oh Tasty, don't cry, come here and give me a hug, it will all be OK . . .

    (later)

    BERNIE: (on horse phone) Rachel, can you come over to my stall, I want to ask you a question . . .

    RACHEL: (smiling) I'll be right over!

    (Bernie and Rachel's stalls are exactly one mile apart. Rachel gets there in 1:31 and 2/5 seconds, setting a world record for the distance and earning a 174 Beyer rating)

    BERNIE: Wow Raitch, you got here fast . . .

    RACHEL: (panting) Bernie, you want to ask me a question? Me, not Zenyatta, right?

    BERNIE: No, I couldn't ask Zenny this question. It would be an awkward situation . . .

    RACHEL: Oh Bernie! Go ahead and ask me the question . . .

    BERNIE: Rachel, would you be Tasty's bridesmaid? Me and her are getting hitched!

    (A stunned Rachel's horse jaw drops. She looks out at the pasture where Tasty is twirling a whip)

    TASTY: You were right Rachel, we always go back to where we come from . . .(horse laugh as camera fades into a commercial)

    To be continued . . .
















  • Our Story Continues . . .

    RACHEL: (on horse phone) Zenny! I need you to come to my stall and fast!

    ZENYATTA: How fast?

    RACHEL: You know how fast you were running near the finish of your races when you were passing everybody up, go twice as fast as that!

    (Zenyatta at Rachel's stall)

    RACHEL: Zenny dear, I know we've been adversaries for a while, but I want you to know I really care about you and your baby. You beleve me don't you?

    ZENYATTA: Um, I guess so . . .

    RACHEL: Look, Bernie is going to get hitched with Tasty! We've got to do something! If they tie the knot, Tasty will drop low-class babies that will bring the values of our babies down!

    ZENYATTA: Our babies? Um you had a baby with Curlin and said you were taking this year off so you could have some independence, what do you mean our babies?

    RACHEL: Did I say "our babies?" Silly me, I meant your baby. Zenny, Tasty is a bottom-of-the-barrell maiden claimer from Finger Lakes! Bernie will be ruined . . . do you want that to happen?

    (Later)

    TIZNOW: Ladies, what a pleasure to see you. Please step into my office.

    RACHEL: Tizzy, since you're his agent, I thougt you should know . . . Bernie is planning to get hitched with Tasty!

    (Tiznow's horse jaw drops so far, the carrot falls out)

    (later)

    TIZNOW: Now you listen to me and you listen good! If you get hitched with that Finger Lakes floozy, your babies will be worth nothing! I'll drop you like a ton of bricks and you'll have to go back to racing at your old age. The younger studs will run circles around you!

    BERNIE: But I felt sorry for Tasty, she had such a rough foalhood . . .

    TIZNOW: Bernie, you're making a human ass out of yourself. Look, you're makiing $35,000 for every high-class stakes-winning mare you pop. And on your contract, it says that any mare who won Horse of the Year title is preferred! Bernie if you're going to get hitched, you better make it Rachel or Zenyatta . . . or you might end up working at the circus for $8 an hour . . .

    (the next morning in Tiznow's office) (on the chalkboard it says: 1 Rachel, 2 Tasty, 3 Zenyatta)

    TIZNOW: Ladies, thank you for joining us for "The Decision". Bernie, doesn't your contract read that you prefer Horse of the Year titleist over other classes?

    BERNIE: Yesss . . . I guess it does.

    TIZNOW: So I presume you will be choosing one of the Horse of the Year titleists?

    BERNIE: Yessss . . . I will . . .

    (Rachel walks up to the chalkboard and draws a line through 2 Tasty)

    RACHEL: You can leave now Tasty, you've been scratched!

    (Tasty gets up and leaves with her tail between her legs)

    BERNIE: OK ladies, I've made my decision. Rachel, you won the Horse of the Year title in 2009. Zenyatta, you won the Horse of the Year title in 2010 . . .

    (Rachel biting her hoof)

    BERNIE: Ladies, I'm getting hitched to the winner of the Horse of the Year title in 2011, Havre De Grace! Me and her are going to elope after she retires at the end of this year!

    (Rachel and Zenyatta stunned and upset)

    BERNIE: Oh come on, Havre is still in her racing shape, she's hot!

    (later outside of the office)

    RACHEL: Well Zenny, that's another fine mess you got us into . . .





  • This is sooo great. Sitting up in the middle of the night laughing out loud at this story. Love it! It gets better and better. Thanks for writing this stuff! So funny!
  • THE MATCH RACE

    RACHEL: Zenny darling, why do you insist on cleaning Bernie's stall. We're Kentucky breds, we have grooms that do that for us . . .

    ZENYATTA: I know, but they don't do a good job . . .

    RACHEL: Look at I just found under the straw? It's a couple of girly magazines, Pentstall and Playcolt. I'm looking at Miss May, turnons: A big, fat slots track state bred allowance purse. Turn offs: Having to go to the stewards office.

    (Bernis walks up)

    BERNIE: Thank you ladies for cleaning out my stall . . .

    RACHEL: Bernie, what do you need these dirty magazines for?

    BERNIE: Oh, um, you see, when I go to work over at the breeding shed, sometimes I have deal with old nags who haven't raced in years. I just look at the magazines to get me in the mood . . . I especially like Miss May, wow check out the Beyer rating on her . . .

    RACHEL: Those Beyer ratings aren't real, they were acheived on an artificial track . . . don't you see the scars?

    (Rachel looks over at Zenyatta and snickers)

    (later, at last the match race the world has been waiting for . . .)

    (the camera shows Rachel and Zen at first jogging side by side, then they both start to go faster, then they are running at top speed, but neither can pull away from the other . . . it's the race we've all been waiting for and will it result in a tie? Then the camara pans out and shows Rachel and Zen in the horse gym on treadmills . . .)

    RACHEL: Faster Zen, we got to get in shape so Bernie will start looking at us again . . .

    ZENYATTA: It's not fair, they sit around in their stall all weekend long drinking lasix and watching TVG while we raise the kids, do the stallwork and now we end up on the treadmills . .

    (two weeks later)

    RACHEL: Well Bernie, what do you think?

    BERNIE: (whistling) Wow, ladies, you are in fantastic shape!

    RACHEL: Do you think we'd make it in Playcolt magazine?

    BERNIE: For sure!

    RACHEL: And Zenny darling, I'd be the centerfold . . .

    ZENYATTA: I know one thing for sure . . .

    RACHEL: What's thaaaaat?

    ZENYATTA: They wouldn't pick you to be Miss November . . .

    (Rachel grimacing as the camara fades into a commercial)

  • Too cute!
  • carolinarkansascarolinarkansas hot springs, arkansasMember
    There is a truly evil mind behind this.....and I mean that in the nicest possible way ....tooooo funny
  • I agree, and I love that kind of evil mind! Does remind me of Laurel and Hardy stuff! Yes I am old! Anyway, love this stuff!
  • loving this keep going
  • RACHEL'S CLOSET

    RACHEL: Zenyatta, darling, does wearing number 5 make me look fat?

    ZENYATTA: You look fine, but I can't year number 5 anymore, not since I started having foals.

    RACHEL: Back when I was racing, I used to wear number one! (both laughing). Those were the good old days. Now do look better in a green number 5 or an orange?

    ZENYATTA: How many different colors of number 5 do you have?

    RACHEL: About 15 or so, I don't like to wear the same color 5 on consecutive days.

    ZENYATTA: (looking into Rachel's closet) I don't believe how much clothes and horseshoes you got? Gold high-heeled horshoes? How much did that cost? And where did you get that purse? It must have cost a fortune!

    RACHEL: I only buy designer slots-track purses now, they are the latest rage.

    ZENYATTA: But aren't slots-track purses the most expensive?

    RACHEL: I've got standards. I wouldn't be caught in a dead heat with a non-slots track purse, they are so out of date (Rachel snickering while looking at Zenyatta's purse).

    ZENYATTA: Rachel, can you afford all this?

    RACHEL: That's what boyfriend's are for . .

    (later)

    BERNIE: Look at my credit card bill! It's higher than the luxury box at Churchill Downs. Hmm, there's only two others who have access to my credit card, Zenyatta and . . .RACHEL!

    (later)

    BERNIE: Rachel!! I just got my credit card bill and it's outragous! Only you and Zenyatta can use it. So I thought I'd talk to the most likely suspect first . . .

    RACHEL: And what did Zenny say?

    BERNIE: No! I'm talking to you first, and most of these charges are coming from slots tracks. What's going on?

    RACHEL: I didn't want to tell you this Bernie, but our friend Zenny has a gambling problem. She spends night after night at the slots tracks gambling in the casino. You know how old bittys like to play those slots . .

    BERNIE: Oh no! How do you know this?

    RACHEL: (Rachel prending she has cards in her hand) Look at all these vip players cards she has: Penn National Purse Rewards Card, Hoosier Park's Making Hay Card, Mountainer Easy Oats Card, the list goes on and on . . .

    (later)

    ZENYATTA: Bernie, I don't need your money, I made enough when I was racing, besides, I don't have expensive tastes like Rachel does.

    BERNIE: Yeah, I should have known it was Rachel. But what am I going to do? She keeps bugging me for the latest slots track purse from Aqueduct. She's going to Keeneland tomorrow to watch some of her old girlfriends race and she wants to show off . . .

    ZENYATTA: Have you thought about buying imitations? They look like the real thing but cost much less . . .

    (later)

    RACHEL: Oh Bernie, just what I wanted, "THE BIG A" purse, straight from Aqueduct Race Track and Slots. I'm going to be the only one who has one tomorrow. I'll be the talk of the town!

    (next day)

    RACHEL: Bernie! What's wrong with that purse! As soon as it started raining, the cheaply made purse started ballooning! And look at the headline in the National Inquiry:

    RACHEL'S BIG A GETS BIGGER!

    (Racel crying)



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  • Lolololol!
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