As The Clubhouse Turns: Family Feud

markinsacmarkinsac Member
edited March 2014 in General Interest
ANNOUNCER: Introducing the Rachel Alexendra family: Rachel, Curlin, Mable, Scoop and Brian Zipse. Ready for action! Introducing the Zenyatta family: Zenyatta, Bernardini, Verti, Dottie and Markinsac. On your marks! Let's start the Family Feud!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome our host, Steve Harvey! (applause)

STEVE HARVEY: Thank you and welcome to the Family Feud. Boy oh boy do we have a barn-burner today, get it barn burner, horses live in barns (audience gives Steve sympathy laughs). Rachel, please introduce your family.

RACHEL: Thank you Steve and it's a pleasure to be here. First is my significant other, Curlin, next is my cantankerous mother, Mable. Next is my publicity agent who also works for the National Inquiry, Scoop and finally, my number one fan, Brian Zipse of Horseracingnation . . .

STEVE: Thank you Rachel Alexandra family, now let's meet the Zenyatta family!

ZENYATTA: My pleasure, first is my devoted partner, Bernardini . . .

RACHEL: Devoted? Ha! He's been around the block more times than Justin Beeber's Porche . . .

ZENYATTA: Next is my gracious mother, Vertigineux . . .

MABLE: More like that damn dam . . .

ZENYATTA: Next up is my loving racing manager, Dottie . . .

SCOOP: Loving, she's been involved in more scandals than Lindsey Lohann's bailbondsman . . .

ZENYATTA: And finally, my backup, Markinsac . . .

BRIAN ZIPSE: He backed the wrong horse! . . .

STEVE: Testy testy, Rachel, Zenyatta, let's start the Family Feud!

STEVE: We asked 100 people and horses this question: Name a piece of paper who's value has gone down and down . . .

(Rachel buzzes)

RACHEL: The 2010 Horse of the Year Title! (Zenyatta frowns)

SOUND BOOTH: X!

ZENYATTA: A dollar bill . . .

BOARD: DOLLAR BILL 53

STEVE: That's the number one answer. Do you want to play or pass?

ZENYATTA: Play.

STEVE: Hello Bernardini, name a piece of paper who's value goes down and down . . .

BERNARDINI: That no-good tabloid, 'The National Inquiry." (Scoop frowns)

VERTI (clapping): Good answer!

BOARD: NATIONAL INQUIRY 22

STEVE: Verti, name a piece of paper who's value goes down and down . . .

VERTI: Mable's little black book! (Mable frowns)

STEVE: Um, ok, Mable's little black book . . .

SOUND BOOTH: X!

STEVE: Hello Dottie! Name a piece of paper who's value goes down and down . . .

DOTTIE: A stock certificate.

STEVE: A stock certificate . . .

BOARD: STOCK CERTIFICATE 10

STEVE: Ok, Markinsac, name a piece of paper who's value goes down and down . . .

MARKINSAC: A racetrack betting voucher!

BRIAN: Only a lifetime loser like you would say that! (Markinsac frowns)

STEVE: A racetrack betting voucher . . .

SOUND BOOTH: XX!

STEVE: Zenyatta only one answer left and you have two strikes. Miss this and Rachel and family get a chance to steal. Name a piece of paper who's value goes down and down . . .

ZENYATTA: A postage stamp? (audience boos)

STEVE (laughing): A postage stamp . . .

SOUND BOOTH: XXX!

STEVE: Ok, Rachel Alexandra family, you get an opportunity to steal. Name a piece of paper who's value goes down and down . . .

RACHEL: We're going to say: Markinsac's High School Diploma! (Markinsac frowns)

STEVE: I didn't think he had one. Is Markinsac's High School Diploma up there?

BOARD: MAKINSAC'S HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA 2

(The Rachel Alexandra family starts applauding)

(commercial break)

STEVE: We're back. The Rachel Alexandra family has 87, Zenyatta family has zero. Curlin, Bernardini, you're next up. We asked 100 mares this question, top five answers are on the board. Name something studly studs don't do . . .

(Curlin buzzes)

CURLIN: Read "Mare Stare!"

BOARD: READ MARE STARE 36

STEVE: That's the number one answer. Do you want to play or pass?

CURLIN: Play!

STEVE: Mable, name something studly studs don't do?

MABLE (primping): Remember phone numbers!

VERTI: Mable, they didn't forget your phone number, they destroyed it! (Mable frowns)

STEVE: Is remember phone numbers on the board?

SOUND BOOTH: X!

STEVE: Scoop, name something studly studs don't do?

SCOOP (staring at Bernardini and laughing): Outrun the paparazzi!

STEVE: Is outrun the paparazzi on the board?

SOUND BOOTH: XX!

STEVE: Bryan you have two strikes. Miss this and the Zenyatta Family gets a chance to steal. Name something studly studs don't do?

BRYAN: Pass their genes off to their foals.

MABLE (looking at Curlin): Thank goodness . . . (Curlin frowns)

STEVE: Is pass their genes off to their foals on the board?

BOARD: PASS THEIR GENES OFF TO THEIR FOALS 19

STEVE; Rachel you're still alive. Name something studly studs don't do?

RACHEL: Well a few of them may have outrun what's her face over there, I believe her name begins with a Z, but no studly stud has ever outrun Rachel!

VERTI: Neither has any collection agency! (Rachel frowns)

STEVE: Is outrun Rachel on the board?

SOUND BOOTH: XXX!

STEVE: Zenyatta Family, you get a chance to steal. Name something studly studs don't do?

ZENYATTA (looking at Bernardini): Be faithful! (Bernardini frowns)

STEVE: Is be faithful on the board?

BOARD: BE FAITHFUL 27

(Zenyatta family celebrates)

(commercial break)

STEVE: The Rachel Alexandra Family has 87, the Zenyatta Family has 82. Mable, Verti come on down! We asked 100 people and horses this question: Name something that repeats itself over and over again?

MABLE (buzzing): My son in law siring duds! (Curlin frowns)

SOUND BOOTH: X!

STEVE: Not there. Verti, name something that repeats itself over and over again?

VERTI: Markinsac! (Markinsac frowns)

BOARD: MARKINSAC 55

VERTI: We'll play!

STEVE: Dottie, name something that repeats itself over and over again?

DOTTIE: I'm going to say Markinsac! (Markinsac frowns)

BOARD: MARKINSAC 24

STEVE: Well done. Well Markinsac, two answers remain, name something that repeats itself over and over again?

MARKINSAC: First of all, I want to say that Verti and Dottie really offended me with their answers!

STEVE: Well, name something that repeats itself over and over again?

MARKINSAC: Markinsac (Markinsac frowns)

STEVE: Is Markinsac up there?

BOARD: MARKINSAC 14 (Markinsac frowns)

STEVE: Zenyatta, one answer remains . . .

ZENYATTA: MARKINSAC!!!!!!! (Markinsac frowns)

BOARD: MARKINSAC 7

(Zenyatta Family celebrates except Markinsac who's pouting)

STEVE: The Zenyatta Family has 182 the Rachel Alexandra Family has 87. Points are tripled, this will decide it. Rachel, Zenyatta, Name something you would find in the Steve Asmussen barn?

SOUND BOOTH: a pin drops . . .

STEVE: Ladies, you're running out of time, name something you'd find in the Steve Asmussen barn?

RACHEL: Um, um, cookies and milk!

BOARD: MILKSHAKE 41

STEVE: That was the number one answer.

RACHEL: We'll play!

CURLIN: Um, um . . . I take the fifth.

BOARD: A FIFTH OF VODKA 11

MABLE: Um, um, I'm on pins and needles . . .

BOARD: NEEDLES 13

STEVE: Scoop, one answer remains, get this right and you win the game. Name something you'd find in the Steve Asmussen barn?

SCOOP: Um, um I really don't know, when it comes to horse racing, I'm such a dope . . .

BOARD: DOPE 35

(The Rachel Alexandra Family starts celebrating their win)

STEVE: Tune in tomorrow when we'll have the Assmussen barn competing against the PETA Family. You don't want to miss it . . .


THE END











Comments


  • Do you REALLY want me to do Asmussen vs PETA? Hmmmm? Heads will turn.
  • YES PLEASE Markinsac
  • Well I just heard one of his horses broke down today. I don't want to beat on him when he's having the worst day of his life. I'll try to come up with something else.
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited March 2014
    ANNOUNCER: Introducing the Supertrainers, Steve Assperin, Bob Bufferin, Todd Plunger, Jerry Hollendoper and Vladimir Cyringe ready for action. Intorducing the PETA family, Ingrid Nokill, Alex Pleasechecknow, Terry Treehugger, Veronica the Vegetarian and Heather the Hot Walker on your marks. Let's start the Family Feud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here's our host, Steve Harvey . . . (applause)

    STEVE HARVEY: Thank you and welcome to the Family Feud. And today do we have a feud! Steve, Ingrid come up to the podium, it's time to start the Family Feud!

    STEVE HARVEY: We asked 100 people this question: Name a quick way to make money?

    STEVE ASSPERIN (buzzing): Bilk an owner!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is bilk an owner on the board?

    BOARD: BILK AN OWNER 43

    STEVE HARVEY: That was the number one answer. Play or pass?

    STEVE ASSPERIN: We'll play!

    STEVE HARVEY: Bob, name a quick way to make money?

    BOB: That's easy, buy life insurance on a horse I train! (Bob and the other trainers start laughing)

    STEVE HARVEY: Is buy insurance on a horse on the board?

    BOARD: BUY INSURANCE ON HORSE 18

    STEVE HARVEY: Todd, name a quick way to make money?

    TODD: Bet on the horse Gary Stevens is riding!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is bet on Gary Stevens on the board?

    SOUND BOOTH: X!

    STEVE HARVEY: Jerry, name a quick way to make money?

    JERRY: Blackmail a member of the horse racing board!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is blackmail a member of the horse racing board on the board?

    SOUND BOOTH: XX!

    STEVE HARVEY: Vladimir, you have two strikes. Miss this and the PETA Family gets a chance to steal. Name a quick way to make money?

    VLADIMIR: Claim a horse off of an honest trainer, then introduce him to my vet!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is claim a horse on the board?

    SOUND BOOTH: XXX!

    STEVE HARVEY: OK, PETA Family, you get a chance to steal. Name a quick way to make money?

    INGRID: First of all, I want to say that I think the question is an example of the greedy corporate excess that permeates our society.

    STEVE HARVEY: OK, now name a quick way to make money?

    INGRID: Make a sensational video then ask for mega donations!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is make a video on the board?

    BOARD: MAKE A VIDEO 11 (the PETA Family starts celebrating)

    (commercial break)

    STEVE HARVEY: PETA Family has 72 points, the Supertrainers nothing. Bob, Alex come to the podium. We asked 100 horses this question: Name a place that is so dangerous, you wouldn't hang out there? (Alex buzzes)

    ALEX: The slaughterhouse!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is the slaughterhouse on the board?

    BOARD: SLAUGHTERHOUSE 59

    ALEX: We'll play!

    STEVE HARVEY: Terry, we asked 100 horses: Name a place that is so dangerous, you wouldn't want to hang out there?

    TERRY: At a horse auction!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is horse auction on the board?

    BOARD: HORSE AUCTION 12

    STEVE HARVEY: Veronica, name a place so dangerous for a horse, they wouldn't want to hang out there?

    VERONICA: A restaurant!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is a restaurant on the board?

    SOUND BOOTH: X!

    STEVE HARVEY: Um Heather, name a place so dangerous, a horse wouldn't want to hang out there?

    HEATHER: I'm going to say on the backstretch in one of those supertrainers' barns!!!!!!!

    STEVE ASSPERIN: I can see why Blasi needed the alcohol! (Heather frowns)

    STEVE HARVEY: Is in a supertrainer's barn on the board?

    BOARD: SUPERTRAINER'S BARN 11

    STEVE HARVEY: Ingrid, name a place so dangerous for a horse, they wouldn't want to hang out there?

    INGRID: The John Shirreffs barn!

    STEVE HARVEY: John Shirreffs barn? Why?

    INGRID: Their systems probably can't handle all that hay, oats and water!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is the John Shirreffs barn on the board?

    SOUND BOOTH: XX!

    STEVE HARVEY: Alex, you have two strikes. Name a place so dangerous for a horse, they wouldn't want to hang out there?

    ALEX: At Charlton Heston's house!

    STEVE HARVEY: Why?

    ALEX: He'd probably do something cruel to the horse like put a saddle on it.

    STEVE HARVEY: Is Charlton Heston's house on the board?

    SOUND BOOTH: XXX!

    STEVE HARVEY: Supertrainers, you get a chance to steal. Name a place so dangerous for a horse, they wouldn't want to hang out there?

    STEVE ASSPERIN: We're going to say PETA Headquarters!

    STEVE HARVEY: Is PETA Headquarters on the board?

    BOARD: PETA HEADQUARTERS: 27 (the Supertrainers start celebrating)

    (commercial break)

    STEVE HARVEY: OK, the Supertrainers have 100, the PETA Family has 72, points triple, this will decide it. Todd, Terry, Name something you do that's ethical?

    TODD: Wear designer suits!

    SOUND BOOTH: X!

    TERRY: Sit on a Redwood Tree branch!

    SOUND BOOTH: X!

    STEVE HARVEY: Jerry, name something you do that's ethical?

    JERRY: Go to confession!

    SOUND BOOTH: X!

    STEVE HARVEY: Veronica, name something you do that's ethical?

    VERONICA: Throw animal blood!

    SOUND BOOTH: X!

    STEVE HARVEY: Vladimir, name something you do that's ethical?

    VLADIMIR: Use fresh syringes!

    SOUND BOOTH: X!

    (three hours later)

    STEVE HARVEY: We still haven't gotten a single correct answer. Bob, name something you do that's ethical?

    BOB: Buy the drug testing lab's owner a yacht!

    SOUND BOOTH: X!

    BOB: That didn't make it, I don't know why . . .

    THE END.


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