As The Clubhouse Turns: The Birth Certificate

markinsacmarkinsac Member
edited April 2014 in General Interest

RACHEL: Mother! Look at this headline in the National Inquiry:

CALIFORNIA-BRED STAR IS FAVORED IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY PRESENTED BY YUM! BRANDS

MABLE: A California bred? How embarrassing! Who was the last horse racing star to come out of California?

RACHEL: Gee, I can't think of one!

MABLE: If I was born in California, I'd probably wear a bag over my head! I'm sure if Zenyatta was a Cal-bred even she'd wear a bag over her head!

RACHEL: No she wouldn't . . .

MABLE: She wouldn't?

RACHEL: She wouldn't have to, she's already an old bag! (Rachel and Mable laughing)

* * *

SCOOP: Rachel, I don't want to hear any more of your cockamamie ideas!

RACHEL: Look, could you just do me one favor?

SCOOP: What?

RACHEL: Get on the computer for me and read me the rule about what happens to a Horse of the Year winner if he or she falsified her papers?

SCOOP: Oh alright, but that is all I'm going to do, nothing else!

RACHEL: What does it say?

SCOOP: According to the Horse Racing Rule Book: Any horse who wins any Eclipse Award shall have his or her award forfeited if any paperwork is intentionally submitted in error.

RACHEL: So if they get their award taken away, then who will inherit it?

SCOOP: After the forfeit, the award shall be presented to the recipient of the same award from the previous year.

RACHEL (beaming): Oh Scoop! This is my one and only chance to finally realize my dream . . .

SCOOP: Rachel, I may be your publicity agent and your friend, but you have really come up with some wild schemes. So I'm drawing a line in the sand. I will not now, not tomorrow, or not ever help you with another one of your flimsy plots. And there's no way to change my mind. Do you understand?

* * *

SCOOP: Hello, I'm Professor Mo Neur from the university and this is my student, Hazel Desoto . . .

(Scoop and Rachel show up at the lobby at the Hall of Records. Scoop is dressed like a college professor and Rachel has braids in her mane, blinkers and is wearing a sweater with an "L" on it)

CLERK MARY: Hello, what can I do for you?

SCOOP: Um, I heard you had a position open for an intern. So I brought one of my brightest . . .

MARY: Where is she?

RACHEL (a little upset): He's talking about me . . .

MARY: Hmm, what does that "L" on your sweater stand for?

RACHEL: Um, um, University of Louisville!

MARY: Gee, I would have guessed "loser." (Rachel frowns)

SCOOP; Um Mary, my filly here needs extra credits to pass her course. The intern position would be just the thing to do it.

MARY (thinking): Well, first of all I need to be reassured that everything you have told me is the truth . . .

SCOOP: Well, I really am a professor at the university and she really is my student. Scouts honor!

MARY: OK, I believe you on those counts, but I'm really having trouble with one thing . . .

SCOOP: What's that?

MARY: When you called her a "filly" . . . (Scoop and Rachel's eye's start shifting)

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

Comments


  • RACHEL: Mother!!!!!!!

    MABLE: What is it now, Rachel?

    RACHEL: Mother, I got hired at the Hall of Records!

    MABLE: You got a job? Are you going to be punching a time clock? You know, that is beneath the dignity of an Alexandra. We don't punch time clocks, we own them!

    RACHEL: Look, I got a job as an intern. I'll be able to sift through all the birth certificates. Even Zenyatta's!

    MABLE: What you talking 'bout Rachel?

    RACHEL: Mother, don't you get it? If I should find that Hollywood hussy's birth certificate, I could change the state she was born in. Once it's found out she's a fraud, her Horse of the Year title will be forfeited . . . to me!

    MABLE: Rachel, that's brilliant!

    RACHEL: And foolproof, I've thought it all out!

    MABLE: Uh-oh, now I'm getting worried . . .

    RACHEL: Oh hush! I need your help. Get onto your laptop, they want me to fill out an online application before I start work. I'm no good with those computer contraptions . . .

    MABLE: You have no problem finding the "add to cart" button when you're doing your online shopping . . .

    RACHEL: And I have no problem typing in Curlin's credit card, do I? Mother, I am so talented . . .

    MABLE: Yes dear, you are (both start laughing).

    RACHEL: The Hall of Records website is h-o-r dot com . . .

    MABLE: Rachel, I typed in h-o-r dot com and look, it's full of pictures of Bernie!

    RACHEL: OMG! That slut has no shame! Wait a minute, the website is h-o-r dot gov!

    MABLE: I found it . . .

    RACHEL: OK, what's the first question?

    MABLE: They want your full name and address . . . Let's see, R-a-c-h- . . .

    RACHEL: No, no, mother, my new name is Hazel Matilda Desoto . . .

    MABLE: The next question is, "Have you ever been involved in an Inquiry? Note, answering yes will not necessarily disqualify you from this position.

    RACHEL: Put no!

    MABLE: Have you ever been involved in the Cavalry? If so, what branch?

    RACHEL: Put yes, um Fatigue Design . . .

    * * *

    (The next day at the Hall of Records)

    MARY: Hazel, we received your online application. If approved . . .

    RACHEL: If approved?

    MARY: Yes, our screener is doing a background check right now . . .

    RACHEL: Your screener? Who's your screener?

    MARY: Versailles Vinny, he got injured on the track, had a promising career ahead of him. It's unfortunate. But we are lucky. He's hard-working, thorough and honest . . .

    (Rachel knocks on Versailles Vinny's office door)

    VINNY: Come in . . .

    RACHEL: Are you the one and only Versailles Vinny?

    VINNY: Why, yes I am. What can I do for you?

    RACHEL: I'm Hazel, the new intern and I just want to say I'm your biggest fan!

    VINNY: Well Hazel, you don't have the job yet, I've been going over your application and . . .

    RACHEL (taking her sweater off, underneath is a halter top): Did I mention I went to all your races . . .

    VINNY: Well I only had two and I didn't even break my maiden. But I did come in second and third!

    RACHEL: Oh um yes. Tell me Vinny, after retiring from the race track, just how do you keep your racing shape?

    VINNY (blushing): Oh, um I still workout, you know do laps every other day . . . now Hazel, after looking at your application, I have some serious questions . . .

    RACHEL (sexy voice): Vinny, if I get this job, I'll be working right near you. I'll see you every day . . .

    VINNY: Um yes Miss Hazel, but we got to get down to business now . . .

    RACHEL (sexy voice): Oh I am, Vinny . . . your a colt and I'm a filly . . .

    VINNY: Yeah, but I never won a race . . .

    RACHEL (sexy voice): Hire me Vinny, and I promise, you will finally reach the winner's circle . . .

    (Vinny's eyes start shifting)

    TO BE CONTINUED . . .









  • MARY: Thanks for applying with us, sorry you didn't get the job . . .

    RACHEL: Oh, I got the job, when Rachel wants . . . I mean when Hazel wants something, Hazel gets it . . .

    * * *

    MARY: You hired that little bimbo? I thought you said she didn't have the experience?

    VINNY: Well, after she came into my office and explained things, I concluded that yes, she does have the experience that I'm looking for . . .

    MARY: Well you can explain everything at our dinner date tonight.

    VINNY: Oh yeah, I have to cancel, something suddenly came up . . .

    * * *

    (later)

    RACHEL: Mary, my research project at the university is on Man O' War and Secretariat. So I'll start in the birth certificates . . .

    MARY: Not so fast, new interns start in the break room making coffee . . . Now you listen to me, you little hussy, you stay out of the birth certificate room and you stay out of Versailles Vinny's office, you hear? Not only are you fast and loose, but you are dumb . . .

    (later in birth certificate room)

    MARY: Hazel! I thought I told you to stay out of here!

    RACHEL: I'm dumb, remember? It went in one ear and out the other . . .

    MARY: If you're researching Man O' War and Secretariat, why are you in the letter Z section?

    RACHEL: Oh, um, uh, . . .

    MARY: Oh, you don't have to be shy by admitting that all this time you wanted to research the stellar career of the one and only Zenyatta . . .

    RACHEL: Um, why yes, I did . . .

    MARY: I remember her career well. I can't make up my mind what was my favorite race. Was it her first race? Was it her Breeders' Cup Classic win? Tell me Hazel, what was your favorite Zenyatta race?

    RACHEL: Oh, um it was her last one!

    MARY: But that was the only race she lost . . . I cried.

    RACHEL: Oh I cried too . . . tears of joy . . .

    MARY: What?

    RACHEL: Tears of joy that she retired safe and sound . . .

    MARY: Oh yes, that was something to celebrate . . .

    (Rachel turns her head and sticks her hoof in it)

    * * *

    RACHEL: MUTHERRRRR!

    MABLE: What's wrong Rachel?

    RACHEL: My plans have a snag. I found out that starting in the year 2000, all birth certificates were kept online, and not in paper form in the Hall of Records!

    MABLE: OK, what do you want me to do?

    RACHEL: Mother, get on your laptop and find her birth certificate! In fact, it might be better this way. That damn birth certificate room has cameras everywhere . . .

    MABLE: I'm on the website, but when I click the birth certificate tab, it says "access denied without password." How would we find out what that is?

    * * *

    TO BE CONTINUED


  • RACHEL: Vinny dear I'm here . . .

    VINNY: Oh Hazel, I'm so looking forward to our dinner date tonight . . .

    RACHEL (sexy voice): I'm looking forward to the dessert!

    VINNY: You know Hazel, I went over your application and there were quite a lot of errors, spelling and other things . . .

    RACHEL: Oh, those were just type-O's. I'm actually a perfectionist. No, I take that back, if I do have one weakness, it's passwords.

    VINNY: Passwords?

    RACHEL: I seem to have a different password for each of my online accounts. Remembering them is a pain.

    VINNY: Well, why don't you use the same password for all of them. That way you won't forget.

    RACHEL: Oh you are so right! But what one password should I use? Do you have any suggestions?

    VINNY: Zenyatta . . .

    (Rachel gets angry and slaps Vinny)

    RACHEL: I don't ever want to hear you call me by that wretched name!

    VINNY: No, I wasn't calling you "Zenyatta", I was suggesting you use "Zenyatta" as a password. Who could forget her?

    RACHEL: Oh, silly me, of course, Zenyatta is a great password, too bad she isn't a great horse . . .

    VINNY: What do you mean?

    RACHEL: Oh nothing, um can you excuse me, I have to go to the little filly's room . . .

    * * *

    RACHEL (in bathroom on horse phone): Mother, try this password: Zenyatta!

    MABLE: z-e-n-y-a-t-t-a . . . it worked, I'm in!

    RACHEL: Yesssssss! Now you know what to do, but be careful, please don't make mistakes.

    MABLE: You know me, I'm a perfectionist . . .

    * * *

    RACHEL: Good bye, I'm leaving . . .

    MARY: You just started, where are you going?

    RACHEL: I resign. The professor just called and told me I don't need this job anymore. I have enough credits . . .

    VINNY: But what about our dinner date tonight?

    RACHEL: I have to cancel. But look, why don't you take Mary out. After all, you're a maiden and she's an old maid . . .

    (as Rachel walks out the door, Mary and Vinny look at each other)

    * * *

    RACHEL: Mother, how did it go? Did you change the birth certificate?

    MABLE: You betcha! Zenyatta just went form a blue-blood Kentucky-bred to a lowlife California-bred . . .

    RACHEL (talking to herself): Zenny dear, by this time tomorrow, you will go from the Queen of Racing to the crumb of racing . . .

    (Mable and Rachel celebrate)

    * * *

    (next day)

    TV NEWS ANCHOR: Coming up next on the evening news: Shocker! Horse of the Year diva gets her title stripped! Details coming up . . .

    RACHEL: Mother, finally my moment has arrived. Zenyatta will the laughing stock of the nation . . .

    (Curlin walks in excited)

    RACHEL: Curlin darling, come here, I've got some big news . . .

    CURLIN: OK, but first I got some big news too . . . The Horse of the Year Committee called me and said that not only did I win the title in 2008, but they're awarding me the 2009 title too. Seems whoever won it after me fudged their papers and got disqualified. Isn't that great? My stud fees will go up immediately!

    (Rachel's jaw drops. She slowly turns her head towards Mable . . . )

    MABLE: Um, if you two will excuse me, I have a phone call to make . . .

    CURLIN: Who are you calling?

    MABLE: Southwest Airlines . . .

    THE END



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