As The Clubhouse Turns: The Birth Certificate
RACHEL: Mother! Look at this headline in the National Inquiry:
CALIFORNIA-BRED STAR IS FAVORED IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY PRESENTED BY YUM! BRANDS
MABLE: A California bred? How embarrassing! Who was the last horse racing star to come out of California?
RACHEL: Gee, I can't think of one!
MABLE: If I was born in California, I'd probably wear a bag over my head! I'm sure if Zenyatta was a Cal-bred even she'd wear a bag over her head!
RACHEL: No she wouldn't . . .
MABLE: She wouldn't?
RACHEL: She wouldn't have to, she's already an old bag! (Rachel and Mable laughing)
* * *
SCOOP: Rachel, I don't want to hear any more of your cockamamie ideas!
RACHEL: Look, could you just do me one favor?
RACHEL: Get on the computer for me and read me the rule about what happens to a Horse of the Year winner if he or she falsified her papers?
SCOOP: Oh alright, but that is all I'm going to do, nothing else!
RACHEL: What does it say?
SCOOP: According to the Horse Racing Rule Book: Any horse who wins any Eclipse Award shall have his or her award forfeited if any paperwork is intentionally submitted in error.
RACHEL: So if they get their award taken away, then who will inherit it?
SCOOP: After the forfeit, the award shall be presented to the recipient of the same award from the previous year.
RACHEL (beaming): Oh Scoop! This is my one and only chance to finally realize my dream . . .
SCOOP: Rachel, I may be your publicity agent and your friend, but you have really come up with some wild schemes. So I'm drawing a line in the sand. I will not now, not tomorrow, or not ever help you with another one of your flimsy plots. And there's no way to change my mind. Do you understand?
* * *
SCOOP: Hello, I'm Professor Mo Neur from the university and this is my student, Hazel Desoto . . .
(Scoop and Rachel show up at the lobby at the Hall of Records. Scoop is dressed like a college professor and Rachel has braids in her mane, blinkers and is wearing a sweater with an "L" on it)
CLERK MARY: Hello, what can I do for you?
SCOOP: Um, I heard you had a position open for an intern. So I brought one of my brightest . . .
MARY: Where is she?
RACHEL (a little upset): He's talking about me . . .
MARY: Hmm, what does that "L" on your sweater stand for?
RACHEL: Um, um, University of Louisville!
MARY: Gee, I would have guessed "loser." (Rachel frowns)
SCOOP; Um Mary, my filly here needs extra credits to pass her course. The intern position would be just the thing to do it.
MARY (thinking): Well, first of all I need to be reassured that everything you have told me is the truth . . .
SCOOP: Well, I really am a professor at the university and she really is my student. Scouts honor!
MARY: OK, I believe you on those counts, but I'm really having trouble with one thing . . .
SCOOP: What's that?
MARY: When you called her a "filly" . . . (Scoop and Rachel's eye's start shifting)
* * *
TO BE CONTINUED . . .