As The Clubhouse Turns: 2014 Derby Presented by Yuck! Brands . . .

markinsacmarkinsac Member
edited April 2014 in General Interest

ZENYATTA: Rachel, I'm really looking forward to going to the Derby this year . . .

RACHEL: Really? Usually you want to stay home and babysit your foals . . .

ZENYATTA: This year a California horse is the favorite. I'm so excited!

RACHEL: California? Why I can't recall ANY good horse ever coming out of California!

MABLE: Yeah, they're all nags . . .

(Rachel and Mable look at each other and start giggling while Zenyatta frowns)

RACHEL: Mother, turn up the volume on the TV set, they're talking about Churchill Downs . . .



RACHEL: Mother, I have to be there! No more sitting with the ugly people and the ugly horses. I want to sit with the beautiful people. I want the mansion!

MABLE: If you go to the Mansion, then it's only fitting that you bring along your celebrity mother too. After all, there will be paparazzi there.

RACHEL: Of course mother . . .

ZENYATTA: Rachel, that's quite expensive. You're creditors keep calling. Are you sure you can afford it?

RACHEL: I'm sure Curlin can afford it . . .

(Rachel and Mable start giggling . . .)

* * *

BERNIE: Curly, why are you filling out all these forms?

CURLIN: I'm afraid I have to take out a loan.

BERNIE: Why? You're the richest horse in the world . . .

CURLIN: I was until the day I met Rachel . . .

* * *

ZENYATTA: Bernie, I'm really worried about Rachel.

BERNIE: What has she done now?

ZENYATTA: She hasn't spent her money well. And now she wants to sit in the Mansion when she goes to the Derby next week.

BERNIE: The Mansion? Isn't that the place for dignitaries and celebrities with tattoos?

ZENYATTA: Yes and it's very expensive. She's already decided to stop having foals and that's cut into her income . . .

BERNIE (primping): Yeah, and Curlin isn't a hot commodity like me . . .

ZENYATTA: Or War Front . . . (Bernie frowns)

* * *

BERTHA (on horse phone): No, no, no . . . I don't want expensive Mint Juleps, just iced tea would be fine. Thank you.

ZENYATTA: Bertha, who were you talking to?

BERTHA: Oh, I was just ordering my Derby tickets. I'm afraid I can only afford to sit in the infield. I didn't have a distinguished career like Rachel or you . . .

ZENYATTA: Oh Bertha, you poor thing!

BERTHA: Yes I am . . .

ZENYATTA: I have a few connections at Churchill Downs. Since you're Rachel's little sister, I'll try to pull a few strings . . .

BERTHA: Oh Zenyatta, could you?

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Comments

  • Oh this one is gonna be good, I'm sure! LOL We can always count on you, Markinsac!

  • (At the Keeneland Horse Mall . . . )

    ZENYATTA: Rachel, every year before the Derby you drag me down here. Why don't you wear what you wore last year . . . you're broke!

    RACHEL: Are you kidding me? The paparazzi has pictures of me wearing that old garb. Rachel Alexandra never wears the same outfit twice! Do I look good in stripes?

    ZENYATTA: Yes. And that's a good thing. After all, that's what they wear in jail . . .

    RACHEL: Oh hush!

    THE DAM DIVA SALESPERSON: I'm afraid this credit card has been rejected, Mrs. Alexandra . . .

    RACHEL: Oh, um, try this one . . .

    THE DAM DIVA SALESPERSON: Rejected!

    RACHEL: Try this one . . .

    THE DAM DIVA SALESPERSON: Rejected!

    ZENYATTA: I don't have all day. Here, use my card . . .

    RACHEL: Wait, don't swipe! I wanted to add a pair of those nice diamond earrings in the case over there . . .

    (Zenyatta frowns)

    * * *

    RACHEL (crying): What do you mean we can't sit in the Mansion? What will my fans think when I show up in a measly finish-line box seat? Furthermore, my little sister will be hobnobbing in that grisly infield. We will be the laughingstock in all the tabloids!

    CURLIN: Honey, I just can't afford the Mansion this year. But if we tighten our belts, maybe we will be there next year . . .

    ZENYATTA: Besides Rachel, I called Churchill Downs and they said the Mansion is sold out. There are no more tickets . . .

    BERNIE: You, Curlin, Mable and Bertha can sit with me and Zenyatta in our box seats downstairs . . .

    RACHEL: I don't want to go downstairs, I want to go uptown . . . I want to go to the Mansion!

    CURLIN: We can't go, we can't afford it . . .

    ZENYATTA: You can't go, it's sold out . . .

    (Rachel's eyes start shifting . . . )

    BERNIE: Rachel . . . you're not starting to think, are you?

    CURLIN: Rachel, what are you up to?

    ZENYATTA: Rachel, please stop thinking . . .

    RACHEL (on horse phone): Hello Scoop? . . . I need to talk to you . . .

    (the sound of a pin dropping can be heard)

    * * *
  • Uh oh.

  • SCOOP: Now you listen, and you listen to me good. I am not going along with your shenanigans this time. I resign as your publicity agent. Good bye!

    RACHEL: Not so fast! When you printed that curious picture of Havre de Grace going behind the shed with a pony horse, I know you altered the picture just to sell newspapers . . .

    SCOOP: Whaaaaat?

    RACHEL: And when you photographed Mine That Bird all sloshed at his movie premiere, I know you dropped a little pill into his beer . . .

    SCOOP: Rachel, you wouldn't dare . . .

    RACHEL: I wouldn't? You must not know me . . .

    SCOOP: Oh, Rachel . . .

    RACHEL: First of all, I rehire you back as my publicity agent . . .

    SCOOP: Big deal. The last two checks you paid me with bounced . . .

    RACHEL: Well, then let's say you help me out or I whinny . . .

    SCOOP (defeated): Oh . . . OK, I surrender. What do you want me to do?

    RACHEL: Not only will you get me into the Mansion, but you will also get my mother and my little sister in there too!

    (Scoop's eyes start shifting . . .)

    * * *

    (the day before the Derby)

    RACHEL: Um, Curlin, Bernie, Zenyatta, since we can't afford the mansion, Mable, Bertha and I have decided to stay home and watch the Derby on TV. I hope you have fun.

    ZENYATTA: Are you sure? You were looking forward to going . . .

    MABLE: Um, oh yes, we are sad we won't be there, but we'll just sit here with popcorn watching the action . . .

    BERTHA: Um for sure, we can see the race better on TV . . .

    BERNIE: Well, you ladies sure are taking it in stride . . .

    CURLIN: Honey, are you sure? You know I can't miss it . . .

    RACHEL: I know, you go and have a good time . . .

    (Zenyatta, Bernie and Curlin seem concerned . . . )

    * * *

    ZENYATTA: Mother, I have some bad news, Rachel, Mable and Bertha cancelled out. They're not going with us to the Derby . . .

    VERTI: I thought you said you had bad news . . .

  • HdG with a pony and MTB sloshed! haha Can't wait for more!
  • How is Scoop going to get them into the Mansion? Any guesses?
  • This is golden. Verti killed me with her one line, heheh.
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    (Derby morning)

    SCOOP (on phone): I need you ladies down here at Churchill Downs ASAP!

    RACHEL (on horse phone): We're ladies of high esteem on Derby morning . . . it's going to take time to gussy us all up . . .

    SCOOP: Especially Mable . . .

    RACHEL: Watch what you say about my mother!

    SCOOP: I know, someday you're going to look like that . . .

    RACHEL: Never! I'm never getting old!

    SCOOP: Now you listen, I kept my side of the bargain, but in order to get you into the Mansion, you three ladies of high octane need to be here within an hour or it's no go. Jump on a plane at Lexington International . . . right now!

    * * *

    (at Lexington International Airport--LIX)

    SCREENER: Madame, you don't look like the dam in the picture and your lip tattoo is so old, it's faded . . .

    MABLE: I had to rush. I didn't have enough time to apply all of my necessary cosmetics!

    RACHEL (grabbing each side of Mable's face and pulling back to remove the wrinkles): Here, how's that?

    SCREENER: Oh, now you look like the picture.

    RACHEL: Do you know who we are? I'm Rachel Alexandra, this is my mother and that's my little sister . . .

    SCREENER: Enjoy your flight, coach is to your left . . .

    RACHEL: Coach?

    ZARDANA: Hi Rachel, see you in first class?

    PERSISTENTLY: Don't be silly Zar Zar, first class is for winners. She's flying with the claimers . . . (both laugh)

    * * *

    (outside of the Mansion)

    SCOOP (wearing tuxedo): It's about time you got here . . .

    RACHEL: Scoop, you look fine, how do we look? Like my diamond earrings?

    SCOOP: Ladies, you look spectacular. Now take off all of those expensive gowns and jewelery, you'll instead be wearing this . . .

    RACHEL: Whaaaat?

    MABLE: That looks like maid's uniforms.

    SCOOP: They're actually servers' uniforms. The only way I could get you into the Mansion is by putting you on the staff. And I need you to also put on these blinkers, I don't want anybody to know who you are . . .

    RACHEL: Servers? This is an outrage . . .

    MABLE: This is a disgrace . . .

    SCOOP: No uniforms, no Mansion . . .

    (Rachel, Mable and Bertha quickly start changing . . . )

  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    ZENYATTA: Wow, these are nice seats, right on the finish line!

    BERNIE: Yep, we can get a close up look at the Derby winner . . .

    VERTI: Also known as my future son in law . . .

    (Bernie frowns)

    CURLIN: I tried calling Rachel and the girls but there's no answer, I wonder how they're doing . . .

    VERTI: Please Curlin, it's Rachel, the girl and the old lady. I prefer accuracy . . .

    (everybody starts laughing)

    TOM: Zenyatta! I'm Tom Frugalmeister, president of CDI. What is the Queen of Racing doing stuck down here in a finish line box seat? You belong with the other royalty up in the Mansion . . .

    ZENYATTA: Thank you Tom for your invitation, but I can't leave my guests . . .

    TOM: No problem, bring your entire entourage . . .

    * * *

    (at staff meeting)

    STAFF LEADER: Welcome staff to our exquisite Mansion. Today you will be dealing with dignitaries, celebrities, stakes winners and their immediately families. We ask that you be prompt, courteous and keep talking to a minimum. But if you have to speak, please avoid words commoners use like 'I feel ya' or 'you go girl.' This isn't about you, it's about them, the beautiful people and horses. Some of you may have had prior experience in food handling . . .

    BERTHA: I worked the drive thru at Jack in the Box!

    (Rachel and Mable hang their heads low)

    STAFF LEADER: Um, yes, but the most important asset is service. We expect you to be at their beck and call at all times. Now we will group into teams of four. Each of you has a team leader who will instruct you what to do . . .

    SCOOP: Rachel, for the first hour you will stand at the entrance greeting the new arrivals. Bertha, you will be serving hors d'oeuvres and Mable, you will be serving drinks . . .

    RACHEL: But I want to mingle. Can't I take off this uniform and be me?

    SCOOP: The fire marshall has strictly forbidden any more guests!

    STAFF LEADER: OK staff, it's time to go to your posts and remember, the customer comes first . . .

    * * *

    (Rachel is stunned as walking up to the entrance is Zenyatta, Bernie, Curlin and Verti!)
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    RACHEL (disguising her voice): Tickets please!

    ZENYATTA: Mr. Frugalmeister sent up as his personal guests . . .

    RACHEL: I'm sorry, we have strict codes. Mr. Fire Marshall, these vagrants don't have tickets and are trying to enter, please escort them to a holding cell . . .

    FIRE MARSHALL: Zenyatta? Is that you?

    ZENYATTA: Mr. Frugalmeister sent us . . .

    FIRE MARSHALL: We always have extra room for Zenyatta! Please enter along with your guests. And Zenyatta, could I get your autograph?

    (Zenyatta signs an autograph for the fire marshall right in front of a disturbed Rachel)

    ZENYATTA: Scoop? Nice to see you. I'm sure you're here to take pictures of us . . .

    SCOOP: Oh, um, yes. (Scoop whips out his cell phone and asks for a pose, but Rachel tries to get into the picture).

    VERTI: Hold on. Scoop, could you ask this deranged greeter to get out of our picture?

    SCOOP (whispering): Rachel, please stand to the side. I have to make them think I'm here taking pictures . . . and when I'm done, please get on the microphone and announce they're arrival . . .

    (Rachel angrily steps aside as Scoop takes a picture)

    RACHEL (on microphone): Attention ladies and gents, the Scream of Racing and her guests have arrived . . .

    (Rachel turns up the volume of the elevator music to drown out the applause from the other guests)

    VERTI (pulling Rachel aside): Now you listen young lady, I don't appreciate you calling us 'vagrants!' I don't know any vagrants . . . wait a minute, I take that back, I do know the Alexandras . . .

    (Rachel angrily frowns)

    CURLIN (whispering to Rachel): Um excuse me Miss Greeter, maybe later on you can introduce me to the younger and prettier staff. You know, get me their phone numbers . . .

    RACHEL: See this microphone?

    CURLIN: Yes . . .

    RACHEL: Well you know where you can put . . .

    SCOOP (interrupting): Um, Miss Greeter, you are needed at the entrance! (whispering) Rachel, behave!

    * * *



  • OMG, this is toooo funny! Rach pulling back skin on Mabel so she'll be recognized. Ahhhh. Co-workers wondering about the laughs coming from my office!
    Markinsac, this may be your best yet.
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    RACHEL: Hello, and welcome to the Mansion . . .

    KING OF LIECHTENSTEIN: I am the King of Liechtenstein, with me is my wife, the Queen and our brave horse, Honor . . .

    RACHEL (on microphone): Ladies and gents, the King and Queen of Liechtenstein along with their horse, Honor!

    (the King, Queen and Honor enter to applause. Honor is decorated with medals)

    * * *

    VERTI: Excuse me young lady, I would like an hors d'oeuvre . . .

    BERTHA: A what?

    VERTI: An hors d'oeuvre!

    BERTHA: Oh, you'd like to order . . . what would you like?

    VERTI: Um, please present me with steamed carrot medallions over crisp alfalfa . . .

    BERTHA (confused): Um, OK . . . would you like fries with that?

    (Verti gasps)

    * * *

    RACHEL: So your name is Honor . . .

    HONOR: I've fought in many wars, protecting the kingdom.

    RACHEL: By the looks of you, I'd guess World War One and Two . . .

    HONOR (astonished): I'm young for my age. Do you like all of my war medals?

    RACHEL: I'm reading the fine print on this one: MADE IN CHINA . . .

    (Honor walks away in disgust)

    * * *

    VERTI: Excuse me, um, ma'am . . .

    MABLE: I prefer to be called young lady . . .

    VERTI: Dear, you need to watch Dr. Oz, maybe he could make you feel better about your looks . . .

    MABLE: Oh yeah, you need to go sit on Dr. Phil's couch!

    SCOOP: Um, Mrs. Server, please ask the distinguished dam for her drink order . . .

    MABLE: What do you want?

    VERTI: Vodka . . .

    MABLE: On the rocks, like your career?

    SCOOP: Mrs. Server, please retrieve her drink . . .

    VERTI: Good help is hard to find these days . . .

    * * *

    WAR FRONT: Hi, I'm War Front, the hottest ticket in town . . .

    RACHEL: Well without a ticket, the hottest ticket in town will be left out in the cold . . .

    WAR FRONT: But I want to go in there and network . . .

    (the phone rings)

    RACHEL: Excuse me for a minute. (answering phone) Hello, the Mansion . . .

    HAVRE DE GRACE (on horse phone): Hello, I'm Havre de Grace, I'm down in the box seat area having such a good time, I'd like to inform you that I will not be coming up to the Mansion . . .

    RACHEL: OK, Mrs. De Grace. I'll cancel you're invitation . . .

    WAR FRONT (thinking): Um, oh well, if I can't enter then I'll leave.

    RACHEL: Ta-ta . . .

    * * *

    HONOR: They call me Honor because I served with honor . . .

    BERTHA: Did you serve snacks like I'm doing?

    HONOR: No I served in wars. I protected the king . . .

    BERTHA: Did you use a pawn or a rook?

    * * *
  • I wondered if Mr Front would show up! This is great!!!
  • Staying tuned to this....
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    (War Front approaches the entrance wearing a designer gown with all the fixings)

    WAR FRONT (disguising his voice): Um, hello Mrs. Greeter, I'm Havre de Grace, Horse of the Year, 2011. I've changed my mind and decided to come to the Mansion . . .

    RACHEL: Havre? You look different . . .

    WAR FRONT: Oh yes, I decided to have a nose job, and you know how nose jobs cost us horses a bundle (laughing)

    RACHEL (not laughing): Well, Mrs. Front, I mean Mrs. De Grace, for a proper tip I'm sure I could let you enter . . .

    WAR FRONT (reaching into his/her purse and grabbing two hundred-dollar bills): Here you go Mrs. Rachel, I mean Mrs. Greeter . . .

    RACHEL (on microphone): Ladies and gents, Havre de Grace has arrived fresh out of surgery . . .

    (Bernie grabs his little black book and draws a line through Havre de Grace on his "Potentials List." Then he sticks his hoof in his mouth and gags)

    WAR FRONT (grabbing microphone): Thank you for the applause. It's such an honor to be here with Zenyatta. I can see they only invited the relevant female Horses of the Year . . . has anybody seen Rachel Alexandra?

    (laughing from the crowd)

    RACHEL (whispering angryily): You know I'm going to get you for that . . .

    WAR FRONT (meekly): I know . . .

    * * *

    CURLIN: Hey you, old lady, get me another beer and another shot of whiskey . . .

    MABLE: Um . . . "sir" . . . don't you think you've had enough to drink?

    CURLIN: You nag like my mother in law!

    MABLE: I'm sure she means well . . .

    CURLIN: No, she's mean and not well . . . (laughing like a drunk). Look, why does an old bitty like you still need to work?

    MABLE (angry): Because I have a son in law who can't support his family . . .

    CURLIN: I can see you need more support. That girdle ain't working too well . . .

    (Mable walks away in a huff)

    * * *

    HONOR: And after I came back from the war, I decided to run in the Liechtenstein Derby.

    BERTHA: Did you win?

    HONOR: Of course I won. Any horse that had the nerve to pass me knew he would end up in the slaughterhouse . . .

    BERTHA: Oh . . .

    * * *

    RACHEL: Oh Mrs. "De Grace," your make-up's a little bit smeared. Perhaps you should go to the restroom and fix it . . .

    WAR FRONT: Thank you "Mrs. Greeteer" . . .

    (War Front walks up to the restroom. One says Ladies and Dams, the other says Gentlemen and Sires)

    (War Front's eyes start shifting)

    * * *

    HONOR: My stall is in a castle you know . . .

    BERTHA: Really? I've never been to a castle . . .

    HONOR: Well, I've been looking for a mate, I'm young for my age, you know . . .

    SCOOP: Um, Miss Server, some of the other guests have requested you . . .

    BERTHA: Oh, um, I must run along. Have a nice day . . .

    SCOOP (whispering): Remember Bertha, we try to use commoner phrases, tell him "May you're day be a pleasant one" . . .

    BERTHA: Um . . . may your day . . . be a peasant one . . .

    * * *

    BERNIE: Oh Mrs Server! I thought it would be a great idea if you took a picture of the two Queens, Zenyatta and the Queen of Liechtenstein, as well as the King and me. You know, royalty meets royalty.

    BERTHA: Ok, everybody line up against that ugly picture . . .

    SCOOP (whispering): Um Bertha, that's not an ugly picture, it's a Rembrandt painting worth millions . . .

    BERTHA: It looks like a foal painted it . . .

    (The Queen of Liechtenstein gasps)

    (As Bertha take the picture, Rachel can be seen in the background jumping up and down)

    * * *
  • HAHAHA!!!!
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    CURLIN (a bit drunk): Mrs. Greeter, have you come up with any candidates to be the next Mrs. Curlin?

    RACHEL: Say, aren't you hooked up with that voluptuous winner of the Horse of the Year from 2009, Rachel Alexandra?

    CURLIN: The old ball and chain?

    (Rachel frowns)

    RACHEL: I heard she has beauty marks . . .

    CURLIN: Those are stretch marks . . .

    (Rachel frowns)

    * * *

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN (with accent): Madame server, please bring me some Hors d'oeuvres . . .

    BERTHA: What would you like?

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: I'd like to try the cheese eballscones . . .

    BERTHA: You want cheesy balls?

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Yes, whatever, please bring . . .

    (Bertha returns with big balls of cheese)

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Um, madame, these are too big . . .

    BERTHA: Too big?

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Yes, please bring knife and slim them down . . .

    BERTHA: You want me to cut the cheese?

    (The Queen of Liechtenstein gasps)

    * * *

    VERTI: Hey grandma, I want another drink!

    MABLE: I beg your pardon? Do you know who you're talking to?

    SCOOP: Mrs. Server, please get our guest her drink . . .

    MABLE: She acts like her manure don't stink . . .

    SCOOP: Gee, and how many times have I heard others say that about you?

    * * *

    BERTHA: Oh Rachel, I think I'm in love!

    RACHEL: Really?

    BERTHA: Yes! I think Honor is going to ask me to fly back to his kingdom and be his bride. He lives in a castle with maids and butlers. I'll live the life of luxury. He may be a bit old, but he's young for his age . . . I'll have royal foals who will win European Derbies . . .

    RACHEL: Come here . . .

    (Rachel and Bertha walk up behind Honor)

    RACHEL (whispering): See these?

    BERTHA: Why yes, those are his war medals. He wears them all over his body . . .

    RACHEL: Yes, he wears them not because he's some brave warrior, he wears them to hide the truth . . . (Rachel lifts up a medal) Look underneath the hood . . .

    BERTHA: Oh no! How did you find out?

    RACHEL: I saw him use the bathroom "for geldings and Andy Beyer" . . .
  • LOL Oh I agree, one of your best, Mark! I especially liked Bernie crossing "Havre de Grace" off his list.
  • lol Honor using his "jewels" to make up for his lost Jewels LOL
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    Most of those jewels were made in China and any horse who would dare to beat him would be sent to the slaughterhouse.
  • No doubt about it, this is your best, Markinsac! Thanks!
  • I agree, thanks for the entertainment! Can't wait for more!
  • I have a few ideas up my sleeve, but probably won't continue until tomorrow.
  • sarinnesarinne Member
    edited April 2014
    Oh that is FANTASTIC! LOL Thanks for sharing, Rachel. I'm sure markinsac knows what on everyone's horse phones too.............. ;-)

    ETA: Blame's was my favorite. hahahaha

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