As The Clubhouse Turns: 2014 Derby Presented by Yuck! Brands . . .

245

Comments

  • Great stuff markinsac!
  • Yeah, very funny!
  • (Rachel is eavesdropping)

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Wolfgang, have you seen Honor?

    KING OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Last time I seen him he was communicating with that hors d'oeuvre server.

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: What an awful investment we made. We were told he was going to be a champion racer. But he couldn't even break his maiden.

    KING OF LIECHTENSTEIN: And now he wears those silly medals and tells tall stories . . .

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Thank goodness we gelded him. Mutts like that shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

    KING OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Frieda, the economy has wrecked our kingdom.

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Wolfgang, what are you trying to say?

    KING OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Frieda, we are 11 billion euros in debt. I brought all the remaining reserves with me here to Churchill Downs . . .

    QUEEN OF LEICHTENSTEIN: Wolfgang, what are you going to do?

    KING OF LIECHTENSTEIN: I'm betting everything on the Darby!

    (Rachel and the Queen of Liechtenstein's eyes start shifting)

    * * *

    HONOR: Miss Server, we have room on our private jet for one more horse when we leave . . .

    BERTHA: You do?

    HONOR: If you join me, once we arrive in Liechtenstein, the kingdom will be ours!

    BERTHA: But I thought the kingdom belonged to the King and the Queen . . .

    HONOR: It does now, but nothing lasts forever . . .

    * * *

    CURLIN (tipsy): Bernie baby, you gots to help me out.

    BERNIE: Curly, you still drinking?

    CURLIN: And why not? The wifey is at home. I'm a freee man . . .

    BERNIE: What do you need?

    CURLIN: Bernie, I left my little black book back home in Lexington, can I borrow yours?

    BERNIE: Absolutely not. My black book has A-list filly and mares, the types who've been to the Breeders' Cup . . .

    CURLIN: Whut arrr yoo tryn to say? I got no classsss?

    BERNIE: Curly, you don't. And that's because you're drunk! Right now you're capable of doing anything . . .

    * * *

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Mrs. Greeter, could you introduce me to the queen . . .

    RACHEL: You're talking to her . . .

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: I'm talking about Zenyatta, the Queen of Racing, not you, the Queen of gab . . .

    RACHEL: Um, Zenyatta . . .

    ZENYATTA: Yes Mrs. Greeter?

    RACHEL: The real queen would like to speak with you . . .

  • VERTI: Grandma Server, please bring me another drink, ASAP!

    MABLE: Oh here you are! Why are you drinking so much?

    VERTI: I'm just a little upset. That poor sweet hors d'oeuvres server keeps getting hit apon by that good-for-nothing horse, Honor.

    MABLE: Good for nothing? I heard he fought in wars and helped save the kingdom . . .

    VERTI: Ha! Back in the day when I was young and radiant, Honor came calling to Lexington and wanted to whisk me away to his little kingdom in Europe. He claimed he won derbies across the globe . . .

    MABLE: Did he?

    VERTI: Of course not! Back then it wasn't easy getting information, we didn't have the internet, you know. But I had investigators find his record: In 18 starts, he finished last 17 times.

    MABLE: Well at least he beat one horse . . .

    VERTI: Nope, in his last race he finished second to last in the Dachsund Derby. He beat a wiener dog . . .

    MABLE: Oh my!

    VERTI: He was so bad, the King and Queen decided to geld him figuring that move would improve the breed . . .

    (Mable's eyes start shifting)

    * * *

    ZENYATTA: Queen Frieda, can I help you?

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Zenyatta, I have heard so much about you. I just want to say I admire you. You are a true queen!

    ZENYATTA: Well so are you. You represent the people of your kingdom . . .

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: No I don't! It's all a sham!

    ZENYATTA: What do you mean?

    QUEEN OF LICHTENSTEIN: From day one, it's all been a life of deceit, bribery and lonliness . . . When I was a teenager, the King's family contacted my family and offered millions for me . . . it was an arranged marriage . . . made in hell! Right away I knew how the King operated. He stole the peasant's money and will. He gambled in Monaco, womanized with celebrities and paid the paparazzi for their film.

    ZENYATTA: Oh no! What about Honor?

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Honor was a cute little foal, regally bred. But once I brought him home to the King, he began acting like the King. He became a boozer and a gambler. He felt like the world owed him something. Since he never bothered to exercise and work out, he lost all of his races. I could take no more of it. So one night after he passed out, I brought the vet in and cut them off . . . I should have done the same thing to the King . . .

  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    HONOR: Mrs. Greeter, could you introduce me to Mr. Curlin over there?

    RACHEL: Why?

    HONOR: Um, Curlin seems like such a ladies man, me and him have so much in common . . . (Rachel rolls her eyes)

    RACHEL: Mr. Curlin, please meet Mr. Honor . . .

    CURLIN: Honor baybe! What's up? Wow, look at all those medals, you must be a real stud . . .

    HONOR: Oh, why yes, but I've heard stories about you too!

    CURLIN: I hope the stories didn't come from my mother in law . . .

    HONOR: Oh no, I read the tabloids, we get the National Inquiry in Europe you know . . .

    CURLIN: Hey, if she was only three years old, I didn't do it! (Curlin and Honor start laughing wildly . . .)

    * * *

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Zenyatta, the King raided the kingdom's banks, what little is left, and brought it all here to Churchill Downs. If he doesn't win this bet, there will be anarchy!

    ZENYATTA: Oh no!

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Zenyatta, I don't know a thing about horse racing. I don't know how to pick a winner. That's why I need your help. You were a winner so I want you to pick me out the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands . . .

    (Zenyatta's eyes start shifting)
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    HONOR: Oh ma'am Server, please bring my friend Curlin and I two more drinks . . .

    MABLE: That would be $24.50 . . .

    HONOR: Put it on the Queen's tab . . . that bitch!

    MABLE: Easy big boy (laughing), if you two keep drinking like horses, I'll have to cut you off . . .

    (Honor grimaces uncomfortably)

    * * *

    ZENYATTA: Queen Frieda, you are putting so much pressure on me. It's a 20-horse field. Picking a winner won't be easy . . .

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Zenyatta, I've read all about you. I've seen your races and I've viewed your website. I've even read every post in Mare Stare . . .

    ZENYATTA: Good lord!

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Zenyatta, our kingdom will be riding on your pick . . .

    * * *

    HONOR: So Mr. Curlin . . .

    CURLIN: Call me Curly . . .

    HONOR: So Curly, tell me about your little black book . . .

    CURLIN: Oh gee, it's thick, my conquests are many . . .

    HONOR: Really?

    CURLIN: Really. And you know the best thing about it all?

    HONOR: What?

    CURLIN: They pay me for my services . . . and you know the second best thing is?

    HONOR: What?

    CURLIN: I don't have to call them in the morning . . . (Curlin and Honor start giggling like schoolboys)

    (Honor's horse phone rings)

    HONOR: Um, Curly, can you excuse me, I have to take this call . . .

    CURLIN: Sure, go ahead . . .

    HONOR: Where are you?

    MISTER X: The pilot just said the plane should land in Louisville in 45 minutes.

    HONOR: I'll send a car. Hurry and get here, they're already on the 5th race of the program . . .

    TO BE CONTINUED LATER ON . . .
  • Ahhh, the plot thickens......

  • MABLE (whispering): Bertha, what has that Honor been saying to you?

    BERTHA: Mother, he wants to take me to Europe where I'll live a life of luxury as his wife . . .

    MABLE: Bullmanure! There are rumors going around that he can't reproduce.

    BERTHA: I know, if I marry him I won't be able to have foals . . .

    MABLE: Furthermore, he's an old geezer, he's just using you for window dressing.

    BERTHA: Mother, he's young for his age . . .

    * * *

    BERNIE: Zenny, I can tell something's bothering you . . .

    ZENYATTA: Oh Bernie, I'm feeling upset because Queen Frieda has asked me to pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands. She says that the King is going to bet all of his money on the race. If he loses, all the people and horses in his kingdom will be broke.

    BERNIE: Here's the Racing Form, start studying . . .

    (Zenyatta's eye's start shifting)

    * * *

    HONOR: Well Bertha, have you made up your mind?

    BERTHA: Honor, you are so sweet to pick me. It sounds so tempting to go live in a castle and have servants. But I'm young and I want to have many foals. There are rumors floating around here that you can't reproduce . . .

    HONOR: Hogwash! Oh I know, the tabloids have printed false stories about me. But you see, I had an accident when I was young, what happened was I was racing so fast, I pulled a groin. I guess you can say part of my equipment became buried in my pelvis. But I'm flying my vet into town as we speak and I'm having surgery to fix the problem. In a week or so, I should be as good as new. I'll be as verile as one of your top American studs . . . I promise you, we'll have lots of foals . . .

    BERTHA: Oh Honor, in that case, I'll accept your offer!
  • Oh no! Bertha, get a second opinon!
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Wolfgang, after the Darby, when we get back to our kingdom, I'm filing for a divorce.

    KING OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Frieda, I've given you everything a woman could want. You wear diamonds and gold. You live in a castle Hollywood celebrities can only dream of.

    QUEEN OF LIECHTENSTEIN: But the one thing you haven't given me is love. When your parents paid my parents for this façade we call a royal marriage, at first I was willing to go along. It could have worked out. But once I saw your evil ways, I wanted no part of you or this throne.

    KING OF LIECHTENSTEIN: Frieda, if you divorce me, you will be left with nothing. The royal proclamation states that any member of the Royal Family who files for divorce shall be left euroless. If you go through with this, I shall see that you end up poverty . . . don't do it, Frieda . . .

    (The Queen's eyes start shifting)

    * * *

    RACHEL: YOU DID WHAT?

    BERTHA: I'm going to marry Honor and live the life of luxury! I'm going to have his royal foals that will win big European stakes races . . .

    RACHEL: But he's a gelding . . .

    BERTHA: No, no Rachel, when he was younger, he suffered an injury. His vet is flying in and they're going to correct it very soon.

    (Rachel's eyes start shifting)

    * * *

    HONOR: So . . . we meet again . . .

    VERTI: Honor, nice to see you . . .

    HONOR: Well Verti, are you sorry you didn't say yes to my offer? You could have been my blushing bride, going to parade after parade where cheering crowds worship the ground the King and I walk on . . .

    VERTI: I doubt they're cheering for either you or the King. The only decent one in your entourage is the Queen.

    HONOR: She's a nobody. The only reason the King chose her was to fulfill the Royal Proclamation. He needed a bride so he could inherit the kingdom. She means nothing to him . . .

    VERTI: Isn't that the reason why you also wanted me?

    HONOR (angry whisper): Now you listen to me and you listen good. If you would have accepted my offer, I would have been the father of Zenyatta. All the fame and glory and her money would have been mine . . .

    VERTI: The thought of that makes me sick! Saying no was the best decision of my life . . .

    HONOR: If I didn't know any better, I'd slap you on the face right now!

    VERTI: You don't have the balls to slap me . . .

    (In a fit of anger, Honor reaches back with his hoof and slaps Verti on the face . . .)

    TO BE CONTINUED
  • You tell him Verti. As for you Honor no one slaps Zenyatta's mother and gets away with it. watch out.
  • Honor is something else again. What a creep!
  • Honorlessly, marcinsac, is he really from Ohio?
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    Hey scenthound, I never considered that angle. Honor is up to no good, but he's not finished yet.

  • RACHEL: Mother! Did you see that?

    MABLE: Yes I did! Honor just slapped Verti . . .

    RACHEL: I'm supposed to be happy right now but I'm not . . .

    MABLE: Me neither, let's go assist her . . .

    RACHEL: Verti, are you OK?

    VERTI: Well Rachel, oh I mean Mrs. Greeter, I'll be alright. I'm sorry I called you Rachel, you just sounded like a Rachel I know . . .

    MABLE: Verti, I saw what Honor did, I'm going to get security and Zenyatta involved!

    VERTI: Mable stop! I mean ma'am server, please don't do that. Wait a minute, are you two really Rachel and Mable?

    * * *

    HONOR (on horse phone): Where the hell are you?

    DR. X: I'm pulling into valet parking right now, there's a lot of traffic out here . . .

    HONOR: Take the elevator up to the sixth floor Mansion and hurry, they're already on the 9th race . . .

    * * *

    BERNIE: Curly, you really have drunken a lot today. Perhaps you should call it quits.

    CURLIN: Burnee, I'm having the time of my life. I'm in Louisville, Rachel's in Lexington. This is like Spring Break for me . . .

    BERNIE: But you are staggering around. If you don't be careful, you'll fall and lose a tooth or something else . . .

    * * *

    MABLE: Oh, yes, It's me and Rachel . . .

    VERTI: Why are you dressed up as servants?

    RACHEL: We wanted to get into the Mansion. This is the only way we could . . .

    VERTI: Zenyatta could have gotten you all in . . .

    MABLE: We didn't know that, besides we Alexandras have pride, you know . . .

    * * *

    KING WOLFGANG: Honor, having a good time?

    HONOR: Yes King Daddy.

    KING WOLFGANG: Well that's good because I have to inform you that I'm not in good health and when I pass away I sure as hell don't want to leave the kingdom and the throne to Frieda.

    HONOR: According to the Royal Proclamation, your son or daughter shall inherit the throne when they marry and have children . . .

    KING WOLFGANG: But Frieda wouldn't produce me any children. So the next in order is my royal horse . . . you stand in line. But the Proclamation states that the Royal Horse must be married and have a foal.

    HONOR: King Daddy, I'm working on that as we speak . . .

    KING WOLFGANG: You're finally going ahead with your surgery? What took you so long?

    HONOR: Let's just say I had to find the right doctor . . .

    * * *
  • Another 'Ugh oh!'

  • VERTI: Well, I'm truly worried about that other server that Honor keeps hitting on.

    RACHEL: You mean Bertha?

    VERTI: Bertha!?

    MABLE: Verti, we may be mortal enemies, but today it's in our mutual benefit to work together. Let's put our differences aside until we get back to Lexington . . .

    VERTI: Deal!

    * * *

    (in library)

    BERNIE: Honey, how's your research coming along?

    ZENYATTA: This is not easy. There are so many good horses.

    BERNIE: Have you narrowed it down?

    ZENYATTA: I'm down to three choices: Wicked Strong, Ride On Curlin and California Chrome . . .

    * * *

    HONOR: Curly baby, how's it going?

    CURLIN: Honor, today is a dream come true. My boy, Ride on Curlin will be battling for the Roses and I just got elected into the Hall of Fame . . . life couldn't be sweeter! . . . oh, I'm sorry Honor, I didn't mean to exaggerate, after all, you don't have any talented offspring . . .

    HONOR (whispering to himself): Don't worry Curlin, brag all you want, my day is coming, believe me, you'll see . . .

    HONOR: Bartender, two more drinks, today is a day for celebration . . .

    * * *

    VERTI: Mable, Rachel, please don't call security and PLEASE don't tell Zenyatta . . .

    RACHEL: Why?

    MABLE: He struck you . . .

    VERTI: Yes he did, but if you try to go after him, the Royal Secret Service will pounce on you. That's how they operate.

    MABLE: Zenyatta won't be afraid of the Secret Service . . .

    VERTI: No she won't. But I'm afraid she'll go after Honor. I don't want her to come in contact with him at all. He's as evil as they come . . .

    MABLE: He wants to take Bertha to Europe and make her his wife . . .

    VERTI: Really? He used that line on me many years ago, I'm so relieved I didn't take him up on his offer. But there were rumors circulating that the Queen had him gelded.

    RACHEL: This is puzzling . . .

    MABLE: Look, let's go back to our posts and keep a close eye on Honor . . .

    VERTI: He's up to something . . .
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    BERTHA: Honor, before I leave to Europe with you, I need to go back to Lexington and pack my bags . . .

    HONOR: Bertha, don't be silly. Right after the Darby is over, we shall take a limo to the airport where the Royal plane is awaiting us. I have a justice of the peace on the plane right now. While in the air we shall get married and have our honeymoon over the Atlantic!

    BERTHA: Oh, wow, that's all so sudden, I want to say good-bye to my family and friends plus gather some clothes . . .

    HONOR: Don't worry Bertha, you'll be wearing the finest garments from Paris. And in a few weeks, you shall be crowned the Queen of the Kingdom . . .

    BERTHA: But how can I become the Queen? Isn't Queen Frieda the Queen?

    * * *

    QUEEN FRIEDA: Wolfgang, you are despicable! Gambling the people's money . . . what if you lose?

    KING WOLFGANG: The doctor said I've come up with a sudden illness. I don't have much time to live. If and when I go, I want to restore the kingdom's finances . . .

    QUEEN FRIEDA: Really, you're doing this for the peasants?

    KING WOLFGANG: Oh hell no, I'm doing this for my legacy . . .

    * * *

    RACHEL: You're doing WHAT?

    BERTHA: I'm getting married on the plane . . . plus Honor said we'll have our honeymoon over the Atlantic. Ahh, it's so romantic . . .

    RACHEL: Bertha, dear, he's moving too fast. You need to take some time to think this all out . . .

    BERTHA: Look Rachel, I've been overshadowed by superstars ever since I came to Lexington. You and Zenyatta won Horse of the Year, even mom and Verti were stakes winners. I never broke my maiden. This is my one chance to make it. I want to be on the front page of the National Inquiry and not have to pay for it like you do . . .

    RACHEL: He's just using you . . .

    BERTHA: No Rachel, he loves me. He's even going to buy me clothes from Paris and make me the Queen in a week . . .

    (Dr. X approaches the entrance)

    DR. X: Excuse me, I'm looking for Honor and I'd like to enter . . .

    RACHEL (stunned): Um you need a ticket, sir.

    DR. X: Do you know who you're talking too?

    RACHEL: Um, sir, could you please wait here for a minute while I talk to my supervisor?

    DR. X: Oh go ahead, but make it snappy . . .

    RACHEL (whispering): Verti, that man at the entrance want's to speak to Honor!

    VERTI: Hmmm, he looks vaguely familiar. I've seen his face before but I can't remember from where . . .

    RACHEL: What should I do?

    VERTI: Well, let him in but try to get his identification . . .

    RACHEL: Um sir, I can only let you in if you sign the register and state the business you're in . . .

    DR. X: Oh alright here . . . (Dr. X signs the register: Dr. Peter Prowd, R.S.)



    TO BE CONTINUED LATER ON

  • Yikes! waiting is hard to do!
  • Well, we have to figure what "R.S." stands for.
  • Risky Surgeon?
  • You're on the right track. But if you or anybody figures it out, please don't say. We got to keep it a mystery until the race goes off.
  • If any of you figure it out, send me a private message and I'll let you know if you're correct.
  • I heard Havre de Graces mom is booked to Bernardini this year ;)
  • Oh no! Havre and mom probably battled on who got to him first!
Sign In or Register to comment.