As The Clubhouse Turns: 2014 Derby Presented by Yuck! Brands . . .



  • Thats okay, Havre and her lady friend Plum are going to Mr Front
  • Well if she knows what's good for her, she wont tell Bernie that she's "Havre de Grace's" mom. lol
  • Lol

  • TRACK ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next is the Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands. Please place your bets, post time is in 48 minutes!

    * * *

    HONOR: Dr. Prowd! I'm over here!

    DR. PROWD: Nice to see you Honor . . .

    HONOR: Dr. Prowd, I'd like to introduce you to my new friend, the winner of the Preakness Stakes, the Breeders' Cup Classic and the Dubai World Cup, Curlin.

    DR. PROWD: Curlin, it's a pleasure to meet you. You are quite a specimen . . .

    CURLIN (drunk): Why fank you doctor.

    HONOR: Doctor, Curlin has just been inducted into the Hall of Fame plus he has his offspring running in the Darby today

    CURLIN: Oh pweeze, yur maken me blush . . .

    DR. PROWD: Oh please don't blush, we don't need your blood circulating at irregular intervals . . .

    * * *

    VERTI: Scoop come here!

    SCOOP: You want to talk to me? Verti, you haven't spoken to me in years . . .

    VERTI: I know, but now I need you.

    SCOOP: Verti, you seem concerned, what is it?

    VERTI: I want you to look over there at the bar. Who's that man talking to Honor and Curlin?

    SCOOP: Gee, he looks familiar but I can't seem to place him . . .

    * * *

    QUEEN FRIEDA: Zenyatta, the Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands is coming up soon. I need your pick!

    * * *

    HONOR: And doctor, did you know that Curlin has won the most money in history?

    DR. PROWD: I see, well Honor, you sure know how to pick a winner . . .

    CURLIN: Why fank you doctor . . .

    HONOR: Um, can you excuse me, I need to speak to the King for a minute . . .

    * * *

    VERTI: Rachel, let me see your computer, Scoop wants to check something out . . .

    RACHEL: Go right ahead.

    VERTI: Scoop, Rachel said the man's name was Dr. Peter Prowd, RS

    SCOOP: Hmm, I'm searching the archives from the National Inquiry. I'm certain we've ran some kind of story on this man . . .

    * * *

    HONOR: Well King Daddy, you are going to be proud of me . . .

    KING WOLFGANG: Another broken promise coming up Honor?

    HONOR: No broken promises, this time I have sealed myself a bride. According to the Royal Proclamation, as long as I have impregnated my wife, I will be next in line to inherit the throne. That being because you and Queen Frieda have no children . . .

    KING WOLFGANG: Ha, good luck . . .

    HONOR: Good luck? What do you mean?

    KING WOLFGANG: Honor, our kingdom is billons of euros in debt. You will be inheriting a mess. So I've decided to take one last chance. I'm rolling the dice. I'm betting what ever we have left on the Darby.

    HONOR: Whaaaaat? Who are you betting on?

    KING WOLFGANG: I'm betting a billion dollars on Wicked Strong!

    HONOR: Wicked Strong? He's going to lose. I have the sure thing . . .

    * * *
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    BERNIE (on microphone): Ok folks, the horses are approaching the paddock for the Derby. It's a time-honored tradition for us to reveal who we are betting on.

    BERNIE: I'm betting on Candy Boy because many mares have told me I'm eye candy . . .

    CURLIN: I'm taking my boy, Ride On Curlim (hic-up)

    KING WOLFGANG: I select Wicked Strong because only the wicked are strong . . .

    BERTHA/SERVER: Um I have to go with Ring Weekend because there's no better time to get a ring than on the weekend . . .

    RACHEL/GREETER (looking at Bertha): I'm taking Vicar's In Trouble because Vicar's In Trouble!

    MABLE/SERVER: I'm taking Intense Holiday, because this holiday is way too intense . . .

    WAR FRONT/HAVRE DE GRACE: I'm choosing Wee Miss Artie because girls will be boys and boys will be girls, it's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world . . .

    HONOR: I'm betting everything on General A Rod, because when I return to my kingdom, that's who I'll be . . .

    BERNIE: Zenyatta, your turn to make a pick . . .

    (Zenyatta is sweating. Queen Frieda is standing by her side eagerly waiting for her selection)

    ZENYATTA: Oh, this is tough, there's so much riding on this, but I'm taking CALIFORNIA CHROME, the horse for the people . . .

    (Queen Frieda smiles)

    KING WOLFGANG: Ha, he has no chance . . .

    HONOR: Lousy pick!

    * * *

    RACHEL: War Front, where have you been?

    WAR FRONT: I've been hiding out. The drunker these studs get the more I get hit on. See you, I need to go hide again . . .

    * * *
  • oh no, Curly, watch out!
  • I'm touching my nose.
  • SCOOP: Wait a minute Verti, I think I've found the story . . .

    * * *

    HONOR: King Daddy, you're making a big mistake. General A Rod is the winner!

    KING WOLFGANG: The only mistake I've made is lining YOU up to inherit the kingdom. You are a complete loser.

    HONOR: Say it isn't so daddy, I've protected you at every step . . .

    KING WOLFGANG: With protection like you, who needs enemies . . .

    * * *

    TRACK ANNOUNCER: The horses are coming onto the track for the Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands . . . you have ten minutes to bet.

    * * *

    SCOOP: Verti, Rachel, look at these headlines from a decade ago:


    SCOOP: The story goes onto say that Dr. Prowd tried to remove the lip tattoos on good horses and replace them with bad horses' tattoos. Then he bet a lot of money on the bad horses knowing they were really champions and would win the race easily. Furthermore, the doctor has tried all kinds of schemes in order to make a big score including replacing body parts from one horse to another. He's a certified quack!

    RACHEL: What does this all mean?

    * * *

    HONOR: Well if you must bet on Wicked Strong, give me the money, I'll place the bet for you.

    KING WOLFGANG: I can't. According to the Royal Proclamation, only the Queen can place a large wager. The paparazzi will be there taking pictures of her making the bet . . .

    * * *

    MABLE: Well, have you found anything out?

    RACHEL: Dr. Prowd is a certified quack!

    SCOOP: He's been known to try all kinds of crazy experiments on horses, usually in order to make a large score . . .

    * * *

    HONOR: Peter, the race will be starting soon. Do you have the cyanide pills?

    DR. PROWD: Yes honor I have two pills. When the waitress comes over, I shall slip them into the drinks . . .

    * * *

    KING WOLFGANG: Frieda, here is the remaining money left in our treasury. Go place a billion dollars on Wicked Strong.

    QUEEN FRIEDA: Wolfgang, you are a swine! I'm begging you not to make this wager! For the sake of the people of the kingdom . . . please don't do it!

    KING WOLFGANG: Frieda, we have no choice. My legacy is at stake.

    QUEEN FRIEDA: What about the people?

    KING WOLFGANG: #@$% the people!

    QUEEN FRIEDA: I won't do it . . . and I know according to the Royal Proclamation, I'm the only one who can make the wager . . .

    KING WOLFGANG (signaling): Well perhaps the Royal Secret Service will escort you to the window . . .

    (The Royal Secret service prods Frieda to start walking to the wagering window)

    * * *

    RACHEL: He's been known to try to take body parts from one horse and attach them to another, is that possible?

    VERTI: He's definitely working for Honor.

    MABLE (lighting a cigarette): What kind of experiment is he looking at?

    RACHEL: Bertha seems to think she's going to have his babies . . .

    VERTI: How can that be? He's a gelding . . .

    MABLE: And why has he been schmoozing Curlin?

    RACHEL: Oh no!

    * * *

    (as the Royal Secret Service escorts Queen Frieda to the betting parlor, Honor approaches)

    HONOR: Guys, hold on, I'd like to speak with the Queen in private . . .

  • Run Curlin Run faster then you ever ran before.
  • He's drunk!
  • oh no, Honor is trying to steal Curlin's Jewels!
  • Oh no! This is horrible.
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    DR. PROWD: Ma'am server, get over here right now!

    SCOOP: Mable, go over and see what he's up to . . .

    MABLE (galloping over smoking a cigarette): Oh, um, how can I help you?

    DR. PROWD: Please bring me four Mint Juleps and on the double!

    * * *

    TRACK ANNOUNCER: The horses for the Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands are approaching the starting gate!

    * * *

    HONOR: Frieda, instead of betting on Wicked Strong, bet on General A Rod!

    QUEEN FRIEDA: I can't, the King told me to bet on Wicked Strong.

    HONOR: Now you listen to me you wench, you will do as I say . . .

    QUEEN FRIEDA: The King is the ruler of the kingdom . . .

    HONOR: Not for long. Two minutes after the Derby starts, he will no longer exist . . .

    QUEEN FRIEDA: Honor, what have you done?

    HONOR: You should thank me for taking him off of your arms. But you never liked me. I was a budding superstar until you did the dastardly deed . . .

    QUEEN FRIEDA: Honor, I did it for your own good. You were out of control. I knew you were up to no good, running around the globe trying to find a wife, not for love, but for power.

    HONOR (angry whisper): You took my manhood! In just a few minutes I will inherit the kingdom and the Royal Secret Service will work for me. (grabbing Frieda's arm) Do as I say . . . bet one billion dollars on General A Rod . . . or else . . .

    (Honor let's Frieda go and the Secret Service continues to escort her to the betting window)

    * * *

    BERTHA: Honey, the race is going to start, let's watch it together . . .

    HONOR: Go away, um, whatever your name is, like it really matters . . .

    (Bertha starts crying)

    * * *

    RACHEL: Scoop, Verti what's going on here?

    SCOOP: Look over there, Honor has called the King over. Now the King, Honor, Dr. Prowd and Curlin are together at that bar table. They seem to be watching the Queen walk up to the betting window. As long as we keep them in our sights, nothing bad can happen . . .

    RACHEL: I don't like this . . .

    VERTI: I'm watching . . .

    * * *

    (as the Queen reaches the window, Zenyatta is there)

    ZENYATTA (whispering): Queen Frieda, you don't have to make this wager . . .

    QUEEN FRIEDA: I must. If I don't, the Secret Service will just steal it and split it up between themselves . . .

    ZENYATTA: Who are you going to bet on?

    QUEEN FRIEDA: The King wants me to bet on Wicked Strong, but he doesn't have much time left. Soon Honor will take over the kingdom and he wants me to bet on General A Rod. Zenyatta, you have been so kind and uplifting and I thank you for your help, but I'm afraid I must bet on one of their choices . . .
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    MABLE: Here are your Mint Juleps. That will be . . .

    HONOR: Put it on the @#$%ing Queen's tab . . .

    MABLE (looking oddly at the doctor): Um, OK, oh here, I forgot to give you a napkin . . .

    * * *

    QUEEN FRIEDA: Um teller I have a billion dollars here.

    TELLER: Who would you like to bet it on?

    (Frieda looks over shoulder towards the King at the bar table. The King salutes her, winks and downs his mint julep)

    (Then the Queen looks at Honor who salutes her, winks and downs his mint julep)

    QUEEN FRIEDA: I want to bet one billion dollars on California Chrome!

    * * *

    (Dr. Prowd starts whistling)

    CURLIN: The race is going to start soon. I hear whistling. Do any of you?

    KING WOLFGANG: Yeah, so do I . . .

    HONOR: I don't hear anything . . .

    DR. PROWD: Neither do I.

    CURLIN: Well gee, all that whistling makes me want to go to the bathroom, I've drunken a lot today. Do I have time to go before the race starts?

    DR. PROWD: Of course you do . . .

    HONOR: Let's go right now! Um, King daddy, will you excuse us for a minute . . .

    * * *

    TRACK ANNOUNCER: The horses have reached the starting gate for the Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands . . . this is it, the run for the roses!

    (suddenly the crowd starts walking towards the viewing balconies in mass)

    * * *

    (as Queen Frieda walks away from the betting window, she turns to Zenyata, smiles and winks. Zenyatta smiles, winks and crosses her hooves)

    * * *

    RACHEL: Hey wait a minute, where did Curlin, Honor and Dr. Prowd go?

    VERTI: I don't know. When the crowd started rushing towards the balcony I lost them . . .

    SCOOP: Oh no!

    * * *

    (Honor and Dr. Prowd escort Curlin into the bathroom)

    CURLIN: Hey, I may be just a little bit drunk, but I could have sworn the sign said 'Geldings." Are you sure we got the right bathroom?

    HONOR: Trust me Curlin, we're in the right place.

    (Honor and Dr. Prowd look at each other and laugh)

    * * *

    TRACK ANNOUNCER: They're loading into the gate, we're just seconds away from a start . . .

    * * *




    * * *

    CURLIN: Hey doctor, why did you bring your medical bag?

    DR. PROWD: Curlin, it's time to operate

    (Dr. Prowd pulls out a big pair of scissors)

    CURLIN: Oh I get it, you're going to cut my mane. I needed a trim . . .

    HONOR (whispering): Hurry up doctor, we only got two minutes to do this!

    * * *


    * * *


    (the crowd roars)





  • sorry to leave you "hanging"
  • Mark, that was great! an't wait for next installament
  • Sorry, but the next installment won't be until after the real derby in 6 days.
  • Oh NOOOOO! Waiting 6 days....I could turn gray or something! Oh, wait, I'm already gray. OK, I can wait, but it won't be easy.
    Good job, Markinsac!
  • Thank you Joanna.
  • What if I die before the Kentucky Derby Presented by Yum! Brands?! Oh well, I bet they have in Heaven. ;-) Well done, Markinsac!!!! I don't know how you will ever top this........unless you start disclosing what you see on those horse
  • I see you on the contacts list
  • Just so long as I'm not in Bernie's little
  • markinsacmarkinsac Member
    edited April 2014
    Bernie's book isn't little, it's as thick as a dictionary.
  • Bernie's book isn't little, it's as thick as a dictionary.
    haha Truth! But I could use some fashion advice from Mr/Mrs Front. Not much of a fashionista here. ;-)

  • Yesss, Mr/Mrs Front has been hiding in the bushes, I haven't figured out what to do with him/her
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