As the Clubhouse Turns: Party at the Preakness . . .


RACHEL: Zenny, as usual, you're making a big mistake. Anybody who's anybody will be at the Preakness.

ZENYATTA: Rachel, I can't take any more race track drama. I'm staying home with my foal. But you go ahead and have fun . . .

RACHEL: Party pooper!

* * *

BERNIE: Read 'em and weep Curly, being a former winner of the Preakness, I've got choice box seats!

CURLIN: How quickly you forget. I won the Preakness too. My box seats are on the finish line!

BERNIE: Mine are closer to the ATM machine! And considering how many losers Rachel will pick, you could use these . . .

CURLIN: Wanna trade?

* * *

(Preakness morning)

VERTI: Zenny, how do I look?

ZENYATTA: Mother, you look stunning.

VERTI: I hope the paparazzi notices me . . .

ZENYATTA: How could they not notice you?

VERTI: You know those Alexandras are camera hogs . . .

* * *

MABLE: Bertha, get out of the bathroom, you know I need to spend a lot of time in there . . .

BERTHA: I'm done, go ahead . . .

RACHEL: Oh Bertha, finally it will be our turn to shine. That busybody Zenyatta is staying home this year. The paparazzi will be focused on us for a change!

BERTHA: You really think so?

RACHEL: I know so . . .

(Rachel is having a flashback)

RACHEL: Scoop, Zenyatta won't be there, so I totally expect your cameras to take many pictures of Me, my elegant mother and my kid sister . . . but mainly of me.

SCOOP: Rachel dear, costs have skyrocketed (hand sticking out) . . .

RACHEL: Oh here (Rachel hands Scoop several hundred dollar bills). Wait a minute, I want the Preakness to be the coming out event of the summer. I want you to bring along several of your top photographers to show the Alexandras hobnobbing with celebrities and racing royalty.

SCOOP: That's gonna cost you . . . and cash only, no checks . . .

(Rachel's eye's start shifting)

* * *

VERTI: Come on, let's go. Our plane takes off in less than an hour!

MABLE: I'm almost ready, I'm just putting the finishing touches on . . .

VERTI: Mable, quit torturing that make-up. Let's go!

* * *

BUS DRIVER: Attention ladies, dams, gentlemen and horses, there's a severe traffic jam in front of the grandstand so we will enter through the infield side and walk over through the tunnels . . .

MABLE: Oh my, I've never been to skid row . . .

VERTI: Why, did they reject you?

(Mable frowns)

BERTHA (waving): Hi Jane, hi Ernesto!

RACHEL (whispering): Bertha, what are you doing?

BERTHA: I'm waving to my old friends. I guess they're staying here in the infield. Gee, it looks like fun . . .

RACHEL (whispering): Bertha please, we got paparazzi following us around everywhere taking pictures. We don't want them to think we associate with these commoners . . .

MABLE: Yes Bertha, mums the word . . .

BERTHA: Oh . . .

(Curlin, Bernie, Verti, Rachel, Mable and Bertha arrive at the tunnel leading up to the grandstand)

USHER: Welcome to the grandstand tunnel entrance. Curlin, Bernardini, Verti please enter and enjoy your afternoon.

FIRE MARSHALL: I'm sorry, I've just been informed that the grandstand has been filled to capacity. We can not allow any more entries.

RACHEL: Whaaaaaat?

MABLE: Do you know who you're talking to?

TO BE CONTINUED

Comments


  • RACHEL: Whadda you mean we can't get in?

    FIRE MARSHALL: I'm sorry ma'am, the grandstand is completely full. I've been instructed not to let anybody cross over . . .

    MABLE: I'm Mable Alexandra and this is my daughter Rachel. We are Kentucky bluebloods.

    FIRE MARSHALL: The best I can do is let you across when somebody exits the grandstand.

    RACHEL: You've got some nerve!

    CURLIN (on horse phone): Honey, what happened?

    RACHEL: They cut us off, they said it's too crowded!

    CURLIN: Do you want me to go back and wait with you?

    RACHEL: Oh no, go ahead. As soon as somebody leaves the grandstand, they'll let us cross over . . .

    MABLE: It sure is hot. I need something to drink!

    RACHEL: Me too. Um usher, can you save our spot. We're going to go over to that concession stand and get a drink.

    USHER: Sure thing . . .

    MABLE (at concession stand): I'd like a shot of your finest liquor please . . .

    WORKER: So you want a but light?

    MABLE: A bud what? Do you know who you're talking to?

    * * *

    BOB: I'm Bob Costus here at the Preakness for NBC Sports. With me is three former Preakness winners. First we have Bernardini who won the race in 2006. Also with us is Curlin who won in 2007. Plus we have the fashionable Rachel Alexandra who won in '09. Welcome, um where's Rachel?

    CURLIN: Oh, um, she'll be here shortly . . .

    * * *

    BERTHA: Look, if we buy the mug for $20 then we can drink all day for free . . .

    MABLE: A beer mug? We are Alexandras! That is beneath us!

    RACHEL: Three beer mugs please . . .

    MABLE (whispering): What are you doing?

    RACHEL: Look mother, I don't have Curlin's ATM card, and I know once you get started, you don't stop. It's cheaper this way.

    MABLE: Oh alright. Bottom's up (laughing)

    (the paparazzi following the ladies take this picture:)

    http://whyareyoustupid.com/horse-drinking-beer/

    * * *

    BOB: Well it must feel nice to be back in Baltimore where you two scored your first big stakes win . . . it sure would be nice to interview Rachel. Does anybody know where she is?

    VERTI: She's in the infield where she belongs!

    * * *

    MABLE: Rachel, I must say this was a great idea . . .

    RACHEL: Mother, Bertha, fill up your mugs then we're going back to see if we can get into the grandstand . . .

    USHER: I'm sorry, I still can't let you ladies cross over. Nobody's left the grandstand yet.

    GROVE CITY CLYDE: Excuse me ladies . . .

    BERTHA: Clyde, is that you?

    CLYDE: Oh hello Bertha . . .

    BERTHA: I hardly recognized you. Is that Thistledown Willie with you?

    WILLIE: Hello my gracious Bertha, please excuse us, we want to enter the grandstand . . .

    RACHEL: Mother guard your purse, those bandits are up to something . . .

    CLYDE: On the contrary . . .

    USHER: Mr. Clyde and Mr. Willie, I see you on the VIP list, you may go on . . .

    MABLE (angry): Wait a minute, you're going to let these hoodlums enter but hold us back?

    CLYDE: You see, we now have slots in Ohio, in Kentucky, you don't! Sorry . . .

    USHER: Gentlemen, enjoy your day in the grandstand . . .

    (Rachel, Mable and Bertha are flabbergasted)

    TO BE CONTINUED
  • Oh boy......
  • sarinnesarinne Member
    Thank you, markinsac! I was hoping for a Preakness story! This is great!

  • MABLE: All this drinking makes me have to go. Where's the little filly's room?

    BERTHA: Um, I'm afraid they only have port-o-potties . . .

    MABLE: Port-o- what?

    BERTHA: Those blue contraptions over there . . .

    * * *

    BOB: For some reason, Rachel and her party were left in the Pimlico infield. But our NBC cameras have found her I think with her mother Mable. Mable is trying to squeeze into a port-o-potty!

    * * *

    (Rachel and Bertha are standing behind Mable)

    MABLE: Push harder!

    * * *

    VERTI (watching on the big screen): She'll never get that fat @$$ in . . .

    * * *

    (finally Mable gets in then this happens . . . )



    MABLE (coming out of the port-o-potty): What was that ruckus?

    RACHEL: Mother, while you were in there, some young kids ran on top of the potties!

    MABLE: Give me a boost!

    BERTHA: Mother, what are you going to do?

    MABLE: It's my turn!

    (Mable gets on top of the port-o-potties and makes her run! Beer cans and mugs are thrown at her)

    BOB: Why, Mable Alexandra is running across the top of the port-o-potties!

    (As NBC cameras catch the action, Curln, Bernie and Verti put their hooves in their heads)

    BOB: I believe she was moving faster than her final race at Calder . . .

    MABLE: Oh, I think I hurt my back a little, I'm in pain . . .

    BERTHA: Jane, Ernesto, my mother is in pain. Do you got anything for her?

    ERNESTO: Here grandma, smoke this . . .

    MABLE: Just what I need, a cigarette . . . wait a minute, there's no filter . . .

    ERNESTO: Yeah, I rolled it myself . . . breathe in and hold it for awhile . . .

    MABLE: Wow, that was some strange tobacco!

    * * *

    BOB: Rachel, I finally caught up with you. What are you doing in the infield?

    RACHEL: Um excuse me, I'm not Rachel and that's not my mother . . .

    (Rachel now looks like this:)

    http://jakartashisha.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/stupid_horse.jpg

    * * *

    MABLE: Jane don't bogart that cigarette, pass it around!

    http://www.worth1000.com/entries/681114/smoking-horse

    https://graneyandthepig.wordpress.com/tag/preakness/

    MABLE: I've lost my beer mug . . .

    MABLE: Jane, is that the Black Stallion over there?

    (While Jane looks, a drunken Mable grabs Jane's beer mug and runs to get a refill)

  • ackkkkkkk!
  • RachelRachel Member
    stay away....from the infield lol

  • RACHEL: Mother, you're making a fool of yourself on national television! The usher just informed me that we can cross over now. Let's go!

    MABLE: Rachel, I don't want to go hang out with those snobs! I want to stay with my friends in the infield . . .

    RACHEL: Mother! You're drunk and you're stoned!

    MABLE: Rachel, suddenly I'm hungry!

    RACHEL: Oh I can buy you an alfalfa sandwich . . .

    (Mable looks out towards the lush turf course)

    MABLE: Rachel, look at all that delicious grass over there . . .

    RACHEL: Mother, that's the turf course, the horses run over it . . .

    (Mable jumps over the fence and starts devouring the grass on the turf course)

    RACHEL: Mother! Come back here . . .

    (track maintenance workers try to catch Mable but she just runs off and eats a different spot)

    TRACK ANNOUNCER: Your attention please, due to lack of grass, the Dixie Stakes has been cancelled!

    VERTI: That @$$ is now about as wide as the Grand Canyon . . .

    * * *

    RACHEL: You have thoroughly embarrassed us. You went and ate all the grass on the turf course, then you ate all he Black-Eyed Susans! The paparazzi is having a field day . . .

    MABLE: I'm just having fun . . .

    RACHEL: Let's go home!

    MABLE: Wait a minute, there's just one thing missing . . .

    RACHEL: Oh no, what is that?

    MABLE: Romance . . .

    RACHEL: Mother!

    MABLE: See that stallion over there?

    RACHEL: Oh no mother, please don't do it . . .

    MABLE: I want him!

    http://coed.com/2011/03/31/kegasus-the-new-preakness-mascot-loves-to-party-video/

    (As Mable chases Kegasus around the infield, Rachel and Bertha exit with bags over their heads)

    THE END.
  • RachelRachel Member
    edited May 2014
  • TOO, TOO funny!!! I love that we got pictures included with the story!
  • Nice pic, who needs to hang around the snobs when you can have fun in the infield
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